If Pizza is a Vegetable, So is Cake.

Sometimes I want to eat vegetables. Sometimes I want to eat dessert.

Sometimes I want to eat a whole jar of pickles and follow it up with a Chipwich from the 7-11 while crying on the couch watching The Labyrinth. And I’m not even pregnant yet.

Anyway, when the desire for fiber and the desire for sugar collided, these recipes were born.

This photo really speaks to me.

This photo really speaks to me.

Chocolate Beet Cake

It may sound weird, but this cake has a lovely, not-too-sweet, earthy kick to it. But mostly it tastes like cake, so you’re golden.

Ingredients:

1 cup puréed beets
1/4 cup canola oil
1/4 cup whole milk
1/4 cup plain lowfat yogurt
2 eggs
3/4 cup flour
2/3 cup sugar
1 cup natural unsweetened cocoa powder
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda

Instructions:

First of all, prepare your beets. I used beets that had been boiled (ew) and then puréed. I did this in a small blender along with the canola oil, yogurt, eggs, and milk. That way, all the wet ingredients mixed together and created the most glorious fuschia color you’ve ever seen in your life. IN YOUR LIFE!

When you’ve done that, you can preheat your oven to 350 and then mix in your dry ingredients. It may seem like a lot of cocoa powder, but I meant what I said. At this point, you could easily add some chocolate chips if you felt like it; no one would fault you. Pour the batter into a greased 9×9 pan and bake it for 35-45 minutes. I don’t feel that the cake needs frosting – a touch of powdered sugar does just fine for me. But I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life.

Carrot Cookies

Like carrot cake in portable form! Add raisins if you’re a weird old person.

Ingredients:

1 cup packed brown sugar
1 cup sugar
2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature
2 eggs, room temperature
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
¼ tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
½ tsp ground nutmeg
½ tsp ground ginger
2 cups oats
1 ½ cups finely grated carrots (about 3 large carrots)

Instructions:

Make your damn cookie dough. It’s not hard. Stop expecting me to hold your hand for everything! JESUS.

But seriously, just make the dough. You know the drill by now. Mix the wet ingredients first, then the dry. I used real, actual carrots from my garden, not baby carrots because baby carrots sit on a throne of lies. I like to chill the dough for an hour, then preheat to 350 and bake the cookies for 14 minutes. This recipe makes about 4 dozen small cookies.

Brussel Sprout Brownies

Only kidding. Geez, lighten up.

Zucchini Bread

I recently met someone who didn’t know what zucchini bread was, and that night I went home and prayed for their lost, broken soul.

Ingredients:

2 cups granulated sugar
2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature
3 eggs, room temperature
3 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
½ tsp ground nutmeg
2 cups grated zucchini

Instructions:

You’ll need to grate your zucchini first while your oven preheats to 350. Don’t peel it or anything, just grate it up and collect it in a paper towel, preferably two towels layered on top of each other. A cheesecloth also works just smashingly. When you’re done grating, wrap the zucchini tightly and, standing over the sink, squeeze all the water out of it. Don’t skip this step! Otherwise your zucchini bread will be a damp debacle, rather like your mom was last night.

Once that’s completed, you can mix all your wet ingredients together, then sift in your flour and dry ingredients. Mix the batter thoroughly but not too thoroughly – an overmixed batter will result in a tough bread. Pour the batter into a loaf pan and bake for 45-50 minutes.

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