1) Workout Fashion is Bullshit
You know these tank tops?
The ones that women on Pinterest love to make from oversized T-shirts? The ones that always have a cute bow or knot in the back?
Well, I have tried them. I have worn them. And it is physically impossible to bench press when you have a giant knot of fabric stabbing you in the spinal column.’
Who thought up these ridiculous torture devices? Why would anyone ever choose a cute little bow over working out in comfort? If your clothing is actually hindering your ability to exercise, you may as well just wear it out to the club, because you are full of shit.
Learn from my mistakes. Exercise in comfort.
I feel strongly about this.
2) Texting Is Not Exercise
Too often I see this phenomenon around my college gym, or even my community gym: people lying on the floor on yoga mats like narcoleptic sloths, their iPhones positioned precariously over their faces, thumbs ablaze.
Some gyms have actually banned cell phone use as a precaution against this flagrant disrespect for gym real estate, but it doesn’t stop people. Men and women alike, it seems, are determined to text that cute guy/girl they met at the party last weekend and tell them all about how many pushups they just did, rather than actually do those pushups.
If you come to the gym, leaving your phone in your locker will do you a world of good, I promise. You’ll actually be able to focus on your workout instead of taking Buzzfeed quizzes, and I won’t want to murder you because I’ve been waiting to use the row machine for twenty minutes and you’re sitting there playing Angry Birds.
3) You Have Muscles Other Than Your Abs
Women become obsessed with their abdominals for some reason.
Is it because summer, aka the dreaded “swimsuit season” is right around the corner? Is it because that is where many of us carry a large percentage of our subcutaneous fat? Whatever the reason, we’re being ridiculous about it. I see people doing entire workouts devoted to nothing but abs. Some women I know do an ab workout every single day.
Your abs are a muscle just like anything else. They need rest days, yo! You can’t expect to start seeing a six-pack emerge just because you are doing four hundred sit-ups every day, followed by a one-minute plank. Doing six hundred bicycles at the end of every workout isn’t making your stomach flatter – it’s making your ab muscles bigger, so it’s actually doing the opposite. Plus, a six-pack is exceptionally hard for women to acquire in the first place without a diet consisting solely of chicken and steamed broccoli. Which leads me to my next point…
4) Diet, Diet, Diet
You probably think you’re going to be young forever, right?
You spend your mornings drinking triple-caramel mocha frappucinos from Starbucks and your evenings guzzling down trashy, candy-colored drinks with your ladies. Your diet consists mostly of frozen pizza, with the occasional Easy Mac thrown in. You think nothing of the cheese danish you just polished off in the car on the way to work, because you’re TOTALLY going to have a salad for dinner. And who could blame you? You’re a busy woman. You have a job, you have kids, you’re working on your PhD. You don’t have time for this nutrition nonsense. After all, this Lean Cuisine has everything you could possibly need right in it – protein from the mechanically separated chicken parts, fiber from the artificially colored six-month-old broccoli, and look! 6000% of your daily recommended value of sodium! You’ll be fine!
People are loathe to face the fact that diet is probably 80% of your gains in the gym. If you aren’t eating properly, you almost may as well not even work out, because you are ruining everything you’re trying to do.
I’m not a nutritionist, and I’m not here to tell you exactly what to eat – and besides, you don’t need me, anyway. You have common sense. You KNOW that a doughnut is not a proper post-workout snack. You KNOW that leftover McDonald’s is not a good bedtime treat. Use your noggin.
5) Magazines Aren’t Real Life
Seriously, ladies. Every single photo you see in People is bullshit.
NONE OF IT IS REAL.
Those models are nipped, tucked, smoothed and bleached to within an inch of their lives. Even in the unlikely event that the photo is recognizable, I promise you that Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t look like that in real life. Even celebrities have flaws, but, lucky them, they have makeup artists and Photoshop to help erase those flaws from the face of the earth.
I know it’s hard, but those women are a work of complete fiction. You are never going to look like the model on the cover of Vogue, because even the model on the cover of Vogue doesn’t look like the model on the cover of Vogue. She has wrinkles. She has zits. She has love handles. She has butt dimples. She has split ends. Fame is not an automatic one-way ticket to beauty.
So next time you’re doing your eight thousand mountain climbers (only joking! don’t do that), don’t pray to the gods of Beyonce.
There are no gods here. There is only hard work and dedication. And those alone make you beautiful!