A Lady’s Guide to Deglutition

ATTENTION: This post is exceptionally NSFW. And also NSF school. And also NSF public transportation. Basically, read it alone, under cover of darkness, preferably clad only in a skimpy negligee. Thank you for your compliance.

If you’re anything like me, you sometimes like to be taken to the candy shop, and possibly even allowed to lick the lollipop.

Figuratively and literally.

Figuratively and literally.

But what to do about the fact that the lollipop may want to bust a load in your mouth?

Of course, no one is saying you need to give blowjobs. If you choose to give blowjobs, no one is saying you need to let him finish in your mouth. Oral sex is, most likely, a favor you do for the other person, and they should return the favor by making you feel safe and taken care of.

All I’m saying is that if you get that far, it is in your best interest to swallow. It just doesn’t make any sense to hold semen in your mouth for any longer than necessary. In the time it takes you to go to the bathroom and spit, you could have conquered a small country. Plus, it might hurt his feelings. If he’s not sprinting for the Listerine and a therapist after eating your pussy, it’s not nice to turn around and act all repulsed by his natural bodily fluids. You can swallow like a champ, I know you can.

Let’s say you have his dick in your mouth, and he’s kindly alerted you to the fact that he is going to come. What do you do now? Other than congratulate yourself on a job well done, of course.

The first thing you really need to do is commit. Don’t stop doing whatever you are doing; he is obviously enjoying it. Don’t change pace or intensity. And for Chrissake, don’t panic and take his dick out of your mouth. Do you want a load in the eye? Because that’s how you get a load in the eye.

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In order to prepare for the incoming projectile heading your way, what you want to do is create suction with your mouth. You are probably already doing this if you are giving a decent blowjob, so in that case, keep on keeping on. If this is a foreign concept to you, it’s the same idea as sucking through a straw. Simply pull in with your lips and cheeks slightly, so that your mouth is pulled tightly against his dick. This suction will allow the jizz to go right down your throat instead of sitting stagnantly in your mouth. (Naturally, this is a gentle suction – you’re not trying to suck the skin off his dick.)

When he comes, don’t stop sucking. Use your tongue to lap the semen toward the back of your throat and swallow it right away. You will notice that your gag reflex is doing very little. This is because instead of swallowing a huge load all at once, you are taking it as it comes and swallowing it bit by bit. There probably is no geyser of fluid gushing into your mouth like the Ganges in monsoon season. It is probably more like a quiet, dribbling stream. Of jizz.

The locals have affectionately named it "Fellatio Falls."

The locals have affectionately named it “Fellatio Falls.”

Because the semen is going straight down your throat, you are probably not even going to taste it at all. However, if you do taste it, don’t get your panties all in a twist about choking on his nasty, dumpster-tasting sperm. In all likelihood, it will taste of nothing at all. At worst, it may taste of slightly salty water, like what you’ve probably gargled with if you’ve ever had a sore throat and a sadistic school nurse. I can’t promise that you won’t encounter a guy with especially salty semen, which can be unpleasant. But, like I said, the most you’ll experience is an aftertaste.

You may have heard that eating a lot of pineapple and other fruits can improve the taste of a guy’s semen. This is very much up for debate, and has not been rigorously tested, but some scientists are doubtful that a serving of fruit can vastly improve the taste of semen. Semen is a very basic substance (meaning that it has a high pH level, not that it gets pissed at you because you forgot the skim milk in its Pumpkin Spice Latte). Because of this, it is never going to taste like pineapple. However, I have found that a generally clean and healthy diet can improve the taste of semen. If your guy is eating right and exercising, and is in generally good health, his semen is probably far from offensive-tasting.

And for those of you who worry about the calories you’re ingesting when you swallow: slow your roll, ladies. One load of cum has between five and twenty calories – about the same as a stick of gum. You’d have to drink an entire cup of spunk to equal the calories in one 20-ounce Coke, so unless you are blowing a rhinoceros, which is not only illegal but very difficult to do in most states, you are consuming a negligible amount of calories.

Yet another reason why I am banned from the zoo.

Yet another reason why I am banned from the zoo.

One final thing to keep in mind is that every guy likes something different. He may not want you to swallow. He may not even want to come in your mouth. Some guys don’t even necessarily love blowjobs, in which case this post is a bona fide waste of your time. Make sure to find out what it is that floats his boat before you go to town. Happy Fellating!

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