If you, like me, are in graduate school right now, then you, like me, are too busy shitting your pants 100% of the time to think about cooking. Let alone, God forbid, cooking anything that requires actual cleanup.


Hello darkness, my old friend.

But man cannot live on Easy Mac alone. Sometimes you need real food – food that didn’t come out of a can, a jar, or a wrapper. Food like Mama used to make.

So here are my top three nourishing recipes that will fill you up without filling up the sink! No need to preheat the oven or spray down a cookie sheet – just pure, unadulterated instant gratification.

Lazy Bastard Salad

This is actually the laziest salad ever, and yet you can feel good about eating salad! Wins all around!


  • One bag of spring mix (That’s that shit what got arugula in it)
  • Sliced mushrooms (I like portobello)
  • One can of chickpeas
  • One red bell pepper
  • Olive oil
  • Balsamic vinegar (or rice wine vinegar)
  • Fresh ginger (Optional)

Heat up one tablespoon of olive oil in a pretty big pot over medium heat. Add in the sliced mushrooms and hit them with some salt and pepper. Let them sit for a while to get nice and brown, stirring sparingly. When they are all small and shrivelled and starting to release their juices, just like your dad was last night, turn off the heat and let them sit for a while. Put the pot in the fridge for a few minutes if you must. You don’t want any heat still hanging out.

When everything is cold (or at least room temp), add in a touch more olive oil, salt, pepper, and a healthy shot of balsamic vinegar. (Wine vinegar would also be rad.) The mushroom liquid will mix with these to form the dressing for the salad. If you are really trying hard, a grating of fresh ginger adds a nice spicy note.

Now, drain your sad little can of chickpeas and dump them in. Slice up your bell pepper, too, and dump in the slices. Then open your bag o’ lettuce and dump it all right into the pot. YEAH, I SAID IT. WE MAKIN’ SALAD IN A POT.

Sorry. Anyway, use a pair of tongs, or your hands, or the severed hands of your last victim, to mix the salad together, coating everything with the dressing. Enjoy your crappy bachelor salad! Serves 2-3 as a meal and 4-5 as a side dish.

Breakfast Quesadillas

Most breakfast quesadillas contain the predictable egg/potato filling. These, however, take the road less travelled by, which makes all the motherfuckin’ DIFFERENCE. If a savory breakfast makes you want to vom, whip these babies up tomorrow morning.


  • Two 8-inch tortillas (or 1-inch ones; I ain’t tellin you how to live your life.)
  • One banana
  • Cinnamon
  • Softened butter
  • Peanut butter (optional)

Heat a pat of butter in a frying pan over medium heat, until it’s melted. While this glorious process is occurring, spread a little butter on one side of each of your tortillas. Also, slice your banana into pretty thin slices.

When the pan is hot, lay one tortilla in it so that its buttered side is up, and the dry side is down, getting buttered by the pan. You feel me? Good. Now lay your banana slices over the surface of the tortilla to your liking. Now is where you sprinkle the fuck out of some cinnamon onto that bitch. If you want, you can do a dusting of sugar as well, but it doesn’t honestly need it.

Now is when you would add a smear of peanut butter, unless you’re like me and adding peanut butter would make your head blow up like the Goodyear Blimp. Head swelling aside, lay the other tortilla on top, butter-side down. Using a spatula, press the two tortillas GENTLY together. Don’t squish the everloving fuck out of your banana, dumbass.

When everything is hot and melty, flip your quesadilla onto a plate and slice it up. There you have it! The easiest and tastiest non-egg breakfast tortilla bastardization. Serves one lonely son of a bitch.

Creamy Mashed Sweet Potatoes

You can definitely eat well and cram your face with starch at the same time. We have the technology.


  • 4 sweet potatoes
  • 1 container of vanilla Greek Yogurt
  • Whole milk
  • Ground flax seed (optional)

Slice your sweet potatoes into manageable pieces, about the size of a ping pong ball. I like to leave the skin on, because it is chock full of vitamins, but you can peel your potatoes if you are a sucker. Put them into a pot full of boiling water. Boil them until a fork easily slides right in, much the way I slid right into your dad last night. This accomplished, drain the water out of the pot using the lid, because you are lazy and washing a strainer is for plebeians.

Now, remove the lid and replace the pot over the heat so that the steam can escape. Using a potato masher, do the inevitable and mash your damn potatoes. If you left the skin in there, don’t worry about complete uniform smoothness – these potatoes will march to the beat of their own drum. Crack open your Greek yogurt and spoon it in, then add a splash of whole milk. Keep mashing until the dairy is incorporated. Then, if you feel like it, chuck in two tablespoons of flax seed! (I recommend this if your life revolves around trying to poop.)

This stuff reheats beautifully. Serves 5-6 as a side dish, but heck, why not make it a meal? It’s got everything you could want – a touch of healthy fat, a nice hit of protein, a shit ton (ha) of fiber, and a load of Vitamic C!

Potatoes – the other white meat.



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