A Lady’s Guide to Waxing

*THIS IS BY NO MEANS A SPONSORED POST. I AM NOT BEING PAID FOR ANY OF MY OPINIONS. CAPS LOCK, LOL*

Are you curious about home waxing kits but have always been too big of a pussy to try one? Are you terrified of waxing parlors? Are you interested in removing your body hair and are completely comfortable with the social and sexual implications thereof? Good! You’ve come to the right place. Welcome to the Lady’s Guide to Waxing.

Shaving does the trick quite nicely for many women, but for some, those extra seven minutes in the shower are seven minutes they could be sleeping. Waxing is a great long-term alternative, lasting anywhere between four and six weeks if you do it right. While I don’t necessarily recommend this procedure in delicate areas such as your junk, I enlisted the help of a fellow lady to teach the unwaxed masses how to address the matter of leg hair.

Allow me to introduce my compatriot, Lia. My dear friend Lia, being a veteran leg-waxer and fellow educated independent woman, selflessly volunteered to do some field research for this post. I do confess that I have never waxed any part of my being, but after seeing how easily Lia did it, I have been tempted to give it a try. She has been doing this for some time now, and is something of an expert at it. I have recorded her advice for the purposes of this post, though keep in mind that what works for Lia may not work for you.

We first went shopping to acquire the necessary supplies. Lia settled on the Nair home waxing system, which includes the wax, 30 cloth strips, a wooden application paddle, and instructions in case you have no earthly idea what the hell you are about to do to yourself.

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The whole shebang was $4.99 at the Wal-marts. Lia told me that at many waxing parlors or spas, it can cost up to forty bucks for a single leg, and eighty for both.

“Who the heck only waxes one leg?” I asked.

“Nobody, that’s the point,” she replied.

That just about settled the matter on waxing parlors. Not only are they expensive, but Lia and I have both heard our fair share of horror stories where some poor girl went in for an innocent bikini wax and came out a labium short, or something. Spanks, but no spanks.

We regrouped at her house, where we settled on the couch in the living room to commence the deed. (If you are particularly proud of your couch, you may want to move this operation into your bathroom.) The first thing you’ll need to do is put the wax into the microwave. It comes in a little pot that you can stick right in there. The instructions say to give it fifteen seconds, but Lia put it in for forty and it was just about right. My guess is that they are shooting low so that nobody gives themselves third-degree wax burns and tries to sue them.

The wax was “peach melon” scented and smelled pleasantly fruity, like something you’d put on a waffle. It looked like something you’d put on a waffle, too, with a consistency similar to corn syrup. I stuck the very tip of my finger into the wax right after we nuked it, and it certainly was hot, but not nuclear. Turns out, the shit is actually made of sugar! Basically, we were two young women sitting on a couch spreading caramel on our bodies. I was positive that someone, somewhere, was videotaping it.

"Thaaaat's right... Now kiss."

“Thaaaat’s right… Now kiss.”

As we settled on the couch, I could not help but notice the advanced degree of leg hair that my dear friend had cultivated. (She declined to let me photograph the evidence for this post. Bitch.) I commented on it in a clearly sensitive and caring way, and she informed me that the patriarchy was speaking through me. She then explained that the quarter-inch of hair she had allowed to flourish down there was entirely necessary. Any less than two solid weeks of growth, she told me, and the wax would not have enough hair to hang onto. This could lead to broken hairs, rashes, and irritation.

The sheets they give you feel like paper, but are actually a weird, stiff cloth. They are about eight inches long, but it is difficult to keep a large area of wax from hardening while you organize your sheet. Tearing the sheets in half, or just using half a sheet at a time, may be easiest. Lia recommends spreading a playing-card sized area of wax on your leg at a time. After spreading the liquid wax on your leg using the wooden paddle, the cloth sheet gets pressed firmly onto the waxy area. This may take some serious smoothing; the cloth needs to be stuck tightly to the wax.

To tear off the sheet, pull the skin as tight as you can in either direction, then grasp the bottom of the sheet. Pulling in the opposite direction that the hair grows, quickly and ruthlessly tear the sheet off your skin in one swift motion, which is what Lia did. Then she rolled her eyes at my scream of horror and empathy.

“It really doesn’t hurt that bad.”

This is her claim, ladies. A claim which could have various levels of accuracy depending on one’s pain threshold. But I assure you that Lia is not the type of person who goes out every weekend and gets tattoos on her nipples. For one thing, she has limited nipple real estate. For another, she is a normal person with a normal capacity for pain, and she was not even wincing. It was reasonably badass. She proceeded to wax the rest of her leg, meticulously.

“Do you want to turn on a movie or something?” she asked me.

“No, I need to watch this. For science.”

After she finished the waxing itself, a few stray hairs were left here and there, hairs which merely had eluded the grip of the wax. Lia could not simply fire up the wax and rip them out, because the skin was at this point already slightly red and irritated. Going over the same patch twice could lead to skin removal rather than hair removal. So she whipped out a pair of tweezers to tackle the remaining leg hairs, one by one. I initiated the following conversation:

“Ewww, you’re plucking them?! Doesn’t that hurt?”

“No. Haven’t you ever plucked your eyebrows?”

“No.”

“Well, don’t. It hurts. But this doesn’t hurt.”

Fine with me. I prefer to rock the Helga Pataki look anyway.

Fine with me. I prefer to rock the Helga Pataki look anyway.

Finally, she procured a damp paper towel and wiped the stickiness off her leg, rather the way your mom did last night. Because the wax is just sugary goo, it wipes right off. Even the cloth strips can be washed and re-used, which is kind of neat, considering you will probably not need a whole pot of wax for one session, especially if you don’t wax above the knee. That way, you can space one box of Nair over two waxes, and that, my friends, is $2.50 per wax! You really can’t beat it.

In conclusion, I felt it was a successful experiment. Lia got freshly waxed legs, and I was able to record the process for posterity. Hopefully this will inform anyone who is considering a change in their body hair removal regimen. Please wax responsibly.

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