Cake or Death

My mom and I are basically the biggest inhaler-wielding nerds on the planet. I have a nut allergy that makes me puff up like a blowfish if anyone puts their nuts near my face (which, believe me, I have been hearing jokes about since we were way too young to even understand what they meant) and my mom has recently gone gluten-free. What this means is that I have become well-versed in the science of allergen-free baking. Sometimes it can be quite handy to have a few hypoallergenic recipes on hand for bringing to your kid’s school, or your husband’s work, or your Dildo of the Month Club/DAR meeting. Knowing that no one is going to die in the pursuit of dessert is what gets me out of bed in the morning.

Vegan Molasses Cookies

These beauties are dairy-free, as well as egg-free, and I swear to Beelzebub you would never know the difference. Chewy, spicy, and sweet, they are a great “holiday” cookie, meaning that Santa would be hard pressed to fart into your stocking if you laid a few out on a plate for him with a shot of Jim Beam to wash ’em down.

1 cup all-purpose flour

3/4 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/4 tsp salt

1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce (trust me)

1/2 cup sugar

2 tbsp canola oil

2 tbsp unsulphured molasses (Just get some molasses. It’s probably fine.)

1/4 cup sugar for rolling

Preheat your oven to 350. Combine all the ingredients, except for that last quarter cup of sugar, which quite clearly says “for rolling,” so don’t you dare pretend like you didn’t know. Break the dough off into little pieces and make them into nice, neat little balls because you have OCD and it makes sense. Put the remaining sugar in a small bowl and roll each dough ball in the sugar until it has a nice, crystalline coating. Bake them for 10 minutes. This makes a dozen cookies, if you like a cookie that you can use as a wine glass coaster. And who doesn’t?

Gluten-free Honey Cookies

If you’re jonesing for a lightly sweet, uniquely-flavored cookie with a nice crispy edge, these are for you. Now, I know the thought of  buying some weird flour kills a lot of people’s lady boners. But it really does work just like regular flour, and you’ll be able to use it in any recipe you can think of. Trust me, you’ll use it up in no time, and your gluten-free friends will dogpile you. It might get weird.

1 stick softened butter (I just heard all the vegans excuse themselves.)

¼ cup packed brown sugar

¾ cup honey (NOT raw honey! It will make them too tough. Just use regular ol’ honey-bear honey.)

1 egg (Or – Or! 1/4 cup of flax seed meal. See how I give you options?)

1 cup rice flour (Sorghum flour is also good.)

¾ cup corn flour (Chickpea flour or soy flour also work quite well)

½ tsp baking soda

½ tsp salt

Preheat to 375. Mix all the ingredients until they are well incorporated and have met each other’s parents. The dough will be pretty sticky and wet, but shouldn’t be snot-consistency. Using a spoon, plop wads of dough onto a greased cookie sheet. Bake the cookies for 8 minutes. Makes 3 dozen.

Biscoff No-Bake Cookies

No-bake cookies are everywhere on the internet, and I started to get pissed that I couldn’t enjoy ovenless cookie delight because they usually contain peanut butter. Instead, this recipe uses Biscoff Spread, which, if you have never been on Pinterest before, is basically ground-up graham crackers in a jar that has the consistency of peanut butter, but tastes like the unholy jizz of a baby unicorn.

½ cup brown sugar

¼ cup granulated sugar

½ cup milk

1 stick butter

pinch salt

½ cup Biscoff Spread

3 cups oats

In a saucepan, mix the butter, sugar and milk. Yes, I know I said these are no-bake, but I didn’t say no-high-temperatures, now did I? Gotcha. Anyway, bring this tempting nectar to a boil and boil it for, ehhhhhhhh, one minute. Remove it from the heat. Add the Biscoff, the salt and the oats and stir it all up. Proceed to scoop onto cookie sheets that are covered in parchment paper, and allow them to set in a cool place (preferably the fridge) for at least an hour. Makes about 22.


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