A Lady’s Guide to Stretch Marks

Do me a favor and look down at your thighs. What do you see?

You obviously don’t see pants, because why would you be on the internet wearing pants? Gross.

She knows how it is.

She knows how it is.

You probably see some purple or white scars crisscrossing the fleshy inner part of your thigh. If you don’t, you are almost certainly far too young to be reading this blog. Go live your life, small child. Such things are of no concern to you.

For the rest of us, you’re looking at stretch marks. Stretch marks are the result of your body changing faster than the skin can accommodate. If you’ve ever been through a growth spurt, you probably have them, but they can also appear for a multitude of reasons, including weight gain, pregnancy, and basically any situation that causes your body to change dramatically.

Stretch-Marks-21

People lose their fucking minds over stretch marks. Sane, healthy people who have much better things to think about spend nights on the couch in front of the flickering TV, worrying obsessively that their stretch marks are ruining their lives and ordering cream after cream and oil after oil from various shopping channels in the hopes of getting rid of these beastly signs. Or so I imagine.

"Talk to me, Kathy Lee. Yeeeaahhhh. Just like that."

“Talk to me, Kathy Lee. Yeeeaahhhh. Just like that.”

Women tend to be more afflicted than men, due to the nature of stretch marks. They largely affect areas that have a higher concentration of body fat, because it is these areas that tend to change in size most drastically during a period of growth; the thighs, abdomen, upper arms, breasts and buttocks (hee hee, I said buttocks) are all potential victims. All of these are areas which tend to be more voluptuous on a woman than on a man, and so men who are not obese or bodybuilders are at very little risk of stretch marks.

Here is what you have to remember about stretch marks – aside from the members of the male persuasion whom I have just mentioned, everybody gets them. Just because you have never seen them on your friends does not mean your friends don’t have them. You’re not a freak. You’re not at a sexual disadvantage because of this “flaw.” You’re in a vast majority.

Another thing to keep in mind is that, contrary to what people trying to make money off of you might say, there is no known way to get rid of stretch marks completely, or even to prevent them. If yo skin gon’ stretch, yo skin gon’ stretch, bitch. There is nothing you can do about it. Don’t fall for the malarkey that people will try to sell you in tiny little ceramic jars for three easy payments of $49.99 – once the marks are there, they are your friends for life. Don’t blame yourself for not purchasing that Thigh Buffer 6000 that you saw Kim Kardashian raving about – it’s a piece of shit and wouldn’t have worked.

DuJour Magazine Launch Party | Hosted by Jason Binn, Christy Turlington Burns and Bruce Weber | Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Don’t look directly into her eyes! That’s how she turns you into a giant Swarovski crystal.

You may not find your stretch marks attractive. You may think your life was better before the stretch marks came and conquered the jiggly terrain of your ass. And I have only one rebuttal (ha) to your concerns, which is as follows: if you are wasting your life wailing and moaning and gnashing your teeth over a few little stretch marks, just wait until you start getting wrinkles, sister. Listen – your body changes. If it didn’t, you would be a robot and we would have to destroy you for the betterment of humankind. Sure, you could get a tummy tuck, thereby replacing all your cute little scars with one big, gnarly scar. If that sound uncomfortable, you could slough off the top few layers of your skin with sandpaper. Or you could sell a few organs on the black market to afford laser treatment. But it would be much cheaper and less painful to just accept that you are no longer a prepubescent child. Considering how much Boone’s Farm you drank and how much casual sex you had last weekend, it would be pretty weird if you were one. Your stretch marks are a tattoo of pride that you have earned as a strong, mature woman. Own them with confidence.

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