Greased Lightning – Part 2

astroglide

Astroglide

Base: Water.

Claim to fame: “Real Pleasure – Lasts Longer”

Texture: Pretty runny, enough to drip and run all over the place, but thick enough where it coats the area and lays on top of the skin in a slippery layer.

Smell: None.

Performance: A little bit goes a very long way and manages to spread itself out over unlubricated spots to prevent soreness. Replicates the feel of natural lubrication well.

Boyfriend input: “Astroglide? Is that for astronauts?”

Overall rating: 7.

Wet_Light_Water_Based_Liquid_Lubricant_Pillow_400

Wet “Light”

Base: Water

Claim to fame: “A thinner, lighter version” of the ordinary Wet lubrication.

Texture: A bit runny, far less viscous and gelatinous than the other Wet products, with a clean feel to it.

Smell: None.

Performance: No moisturizing qualities. Doesn’t enable stretching and didn’t prevent chafing as well as its Wet brethren. Did linger quite long on the skin, but didn’t lubricate or alleviate friction very well. Let’s just say there was blood.

Boyfriend input: “Yikes.”

Overall rating: 2.

sliquid

Sliquid Organics – Botanically Infused

Base: Water.

Claim to fame: “The safest and most female and earth friendly natural organic personal lubricant available.”

Texture: Fairly thick, but not gelatinous or gloppy. More of a silky, slimy, oozy thickness.

Smell: Upon opening the package, I noticed a hint of a pleasant, clean odor, almost monthol-y. Little did I know.

Performance: So what the geniuses at Sliquid have failed to notify their customers of is that this product contains menthol. You know, the stuff they put in cooling gels. So there is a very distinct icy sensation that starts out mild and becomes gradually less avoidable. It wasn’t a terrible feeling, and the stuff lubricates quite well, but they lose points for not mentioning ANYWHERE on their packaging that this product would, in fact, make your genitals chilly.

Boyfriend input: “Is your junk getting really cold? …Oh, thank God. I thought I was going insane.”

Overall rating: 5.

id

ID Warming Lubricant

Base: Water.

Claim to fame: “consistently won the best-selling award from 2006-2012.” Also, a catchy, psychology-based name.

Texture: Runny and greasy, like warm cooking oil.

Smell: Vaseline-like.

Performance: The “warming” sensation is actually not at all pronounced. Merely coming into contact with the lube doesn’t produce any sort of warming at all, and even friction only resulted in a very faint warmth. So if a nice hot sizzle is what you crave, this stuff isn’t for you, but if you really just wanted a lube that will stay wet and keep things from going frosty, then I recommend it.

I can’t lie to you, though – I did not use this lubricant on my lady parts. Why? Because nothing labeled “warming” goes anywhere near my junk, just in case they SAID “warming” but what they really meant was “burning.” But for the sake of science, I did test some of this product on my hand and then proceeded to simulate the friction of sex.

Boyfriend input: “What are you doing? You look like you’re masturbating.”

Overall rating: 6.

So, how did this second round of lubes fare?

We found a new low with the Wet “Light” product. It had the lowest score yet, with a 2 rating. It was somewhat unexpected, considering its predecessors fared so well in the tests. The new Sliquid test confirmed what we already knew, which is that the brand is unreliable and probably not a good buy. Out of this round, the Astroglide scored the highest, but still couldn’t beat out the Wet Gellee or the KY from the first round.

Don’t forget, it’s always wise to test a new product on a less sensitive area before stuffing it up your ham wallet. Happy boning!

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