On “Taking One for the Team”

If you have ever been in a serious relationship, you know that one of the hardest things about sharing your life with another person is syncing up your sexual schedules. Often, the desire to make love will be mutual, or will at least follow from the initiation of activity, but many times you will not be so lucky. Sometimes he or she is ready to go, while you have more of an inclination to start another round of Team Fortress 2. Sometimes you want to get busy, and they are glued to a National Geographic magazine, trying desperately not to make eye contact with you. How does one deal with such a situation?

"Hmm, I see the Phillies scored the final basket yesterday against the Ravens - CAN I HELP YOU?!"

“Hmm, I see the Phillies scored the final basket yesterday against the Ravens – CAN I HELP YOU?!”

The first thing you need to know is that there is no obligation to have sex with the person you are in a relationship with. None. People sometimes don’t realize that just because you are dating someone, your pussy isn’t at their beck and call 24/7. If you decide to say no to your partner, they should respect your wishes. Just because the two of you are dating (or even married) doesn’t mean they own your body. You have the right to deny them sex tonight. You have the right to deny them sex for the rest of your lives, if you want. It’s your vagina, and no one can tell you what to do with it. If your partner forces sex upon you or pressures you into it because they feel they have that right as your long-term partner, it’s rape. No one can claim otherwise. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for one week or fifty years. If they force you to do something when you’ve clearly told them “no,” it is rape, and this person is not your friend. Abusive relationships often start in the bedroom, and you could be at risk if your partner has ever done something like that to you.

That being said, it wouldn’t be A Lady’s Guide to Life if I didn’t have some somewhat-controversial advice to give out, so here it is: If the ONE AND ONLY reason you are not having sex with your partner is because you just kinda don’t really feel like it, then perhaps you should reconsider.

I don’t mean when you have some sort of weak but viable excuse. Have a headache? Don’t have sex. Too sleep-deprived? Don’t have sex. Still mad at them for borrowing your iPod and then accidentally putting it through the wash in their jean pocket? Fuck that shit, then. Your needs and wants are legitimate. You should always listen to your body, and if life is getting in the way of a fuck, then don’t have sex. It’s as simple as that. No obligation whatsoever.

If you’re just sitting on the couch playing Angry Birds, though, think about my advice.

Healthy relationships are built on many things – trust, love, respect, etc. but especially sacrifice. You will sacrifice many things for this person over the course of your relationship – time, money (especially money), and sanity among them. A reluctant fuck every now and then is a sacrifice just like any other. Maybe you’re not super horny right at that moment. But you’re attracted to this person. You love this person. You want them to be happy, and you want to maintain harmony in your relationship. It’s really no different from getting up to feed the baby in the night every now and then, or cooking them their favorite meal that takes more than six minutes to throw together. It doesn’t really benefit you in any way, but it doesn’t hurt you either, and you don’t do it for you. You do it to show that their needs and wants are important to you, almost as much as your own are. People think doing this will make them resent their partner, but I know several marriages that owe their longevity to the respect and devotion brought on by a little sacrifice every now and then.

Awwwwww, gross.

Awwwwww, gross.

There are stipulations to this, as with most controversial advice. This is by no means advice that only applies to females. This has nothing to do with women “owing” men anything, or being obligated to “put out.” I’m putting this on a female-centric website because that is my chosen medium, but this is advice that you are welcome to parrot to your significant other, be they male or female. And I would also say this is not a mantra to be used if you have not yet moved beyond the “dating” phase into the “relationship” phase. My argument assumes that you love this person and are interested in staying with them for an extended period of time. This isn’t advice I’m giving to you about the guy with the handlebar mustache and the “Party Naked” T-shirt that you met at Applebee’s who invited you back for a bottle of Jagermeister and an arm-wrestling match.

"You get oiled up, dollface, I'll go find the extension cord and the body chocolate."

“You get oiled up, dollface, I’ll go find the extension cord and the body chocolate.”

Of course, I don’t advise granting your partner this boon if she or he is unwilling to reciprocate. If you are doling out pussy on the reg, but whenever you are horny, he or she refuses to put down the PS3 controller and hop into bed with you, fuck that person. They don’t deserve the (I’m sure) glorious sex you are giving out like alms to the poor. Cut that bitch off if they can’t suck it up and throw you a bone when you are dying for a little roll in the hay.

"ohhh, sorry, I just started painting each nail as a different Pokemon. I'll pencil you in for next week, though!"

“ohhh, sorry, I just started painting each nail as a different Pokemon. I’ll pencil you in for next week, though!”

Almost every relationship involves sex, and I think that most relationships involve some compromise in that area. You just need to remember that you are in control. You have the power to say yes or no, and you should exercise it without mercy. But next time you would rather watch another episode of Game of Thrones than have a little tryst with your lover who treats you well and respects your right to say yes or no, think about it – which is more important in the long run?

tv

Game of Thrones, obviously. But say Tyrion Lannister wasn’t on this episode. Then the choice would be obvious.

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