Dessert Without Booze is Like A Former Disney Child Star Without a Meltdown

chocolate

You like dessert.

You like alcohol.

Why not combine them?

The following recipes are what happen when I can’t decide whether I want to get drunk or fat. Please bake responsibly.

Chocolate Guinness Pound Cake

The Guinness in this cake takes the moist, fudgy deliciousness to a whole new level, adding a bitter richness that counteracts the massive amounts of chocolate. You could make frosting for it, but it doesn’t even need it. Definitely not a cake for the weak of resolve. Oh, and you probably won’t need that whole sixpack, so go ahead and drink the rest. You’ve earned it.

Ingredients:

1 cup Guinness

1 cup butter

2 cups sugar

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

3/4 teaspoon salt

2 eggs

2/3 cup Greek yogurt

3/4 teaspoon instant coffee granules

Instructions:

Preheat your oven to 350°F. Spray a loaf pan with cooking spray until it is dripping with greasy goodness. Bring one cup of the beer and all of the butter to a simmer in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add in the cocoa powder and whisk it until the mixture looks like brownie batter. Don’t taste it, though. You’ll regret it. Allow it to cool for a little while.

While it’s cooling, whisk the flour, sugar, baking soda, coffee granules, and salt in large bowl to blend. When the beer mixture is not super hot any more, you can add in the eggs and the yogurt. Add this to the flour mixture and mix it really well, preferably with an electric mixer but if you think you a badass you can use a whisk. Pour the batter into the pan. Bake the cake for about 40 minutes, then stick in something sharp to test the doneness. Here’s the key: the top 2 inches of the tester should come out clean, while below that, there should be a little bit of stickage. That’s how you know it’s still gooey on the inside! It just shouldn’t look like you dipped it in pudding; that’s too much stickage. Transfer the cake to a cooling rack and dust it with powdered sugar. Slice and devour.

Naughty Coffee

This coffee drink is the perfect pick-me-up on a cold winter’s night. It wakes you up while simultaneously making bad decisions for you!  The raspberry flavor from the Chambord is really very subtle, which is interesting. It just adds the slightest hint of sweet fruitiness that ties the whole thing together.

1 pot strong coffee

3 shots Bailey’s Irish Cream Liqueur

1 shot Chambord

cream

sugar or sweetener

Once your coffee is brewed nice and strong, add in all the alcohol. Then mix in the cream and sugar to taste. Easiest recipe ever! This will serve about four people, and it is tasty as fuck.

Tiramisu Cupcakes

Sometimes, making tiramisu is altogether too much. More importantly, it takes too long to get into my face. These cupcakes are a much faster solution that uncannily mimic the flavor of the famous Italian dessert.

For the cupcakes:

1/2 box yellow or white cake mix (Hey, don’t look at me that way, I told you this was simple)

oil

eggs

1 tsp almond extract

For the filling:

1 little container mascarpone cheese (should be 8 oz or so)

2 egg yolks

1/4 cup sugar

For the ganache:

1 bag dark chocolate chips (They need to be dark, or your world will fall apart.)

Kahlua

Instructions:

Mix the cake mix with the eggs and oil, following the instructions on the box. Add in the almond extract. (If the idea of using a cake mix makes you shake in your boots, you can also use a half batch of this recipe from the Pioneer Woman, minus the frosting. They are the food of angels.) Bake the cupcakes according to the instructions. It should make about a dozen.

While the cupcakes are cooling, you can make your filling. In a saucepan, beat together the mascarpone cheese, the egg yolks, and the sugar. Put the saucepan over a double boiler and heat it for about ten minutes. It will thicken slightly – thats the egg yolks setting a little bit. I’ve been told you can eat the stuff raw and it will be fine, but if raw egg yolks give you the heebly-jeeblies, this method is more traditional, I think. If it’s not sweet enough for your tastes, you can always throw in a little extra sugar, but remember it is going inside sugary cupcakes. This stuff, by the way, is good enough to eat with a spoon. Once it has cooled slightly, throw that bitch in a piping bag with a medium round tip (or, hell, a Ziploc bag with a small hole cut in the corner). Stick the bag into the middle of each cupcake and squeeze a little filling into the cupcake. If you’re using a Ziploc, you’ll probably have to stab a little hole in each cupcake first with a butter knife.

OK, now that all the cupcakes are filled, it’s time to make the ganache. First, melt the chocolate chips in a large bowl in the microwave, stirring often so they don’t burn and stick to the bottom of the bowl. Then, stir in as much Kahlua as you want. Here’s the situation: the more Kahlua you add, the better Kahlua flavor the ganache will have. However, this will also make it more liquidy, and if you wanted a thicker ganache, you’ll have to add in powdered sugar, thus slightly diluting the bitter, boozy coffee flavor from the Kahlua. It’s your battle. Anyway, depending on how thick your ganache is, either dip the top of each cupcake into it and shake off the extra, or use a butter knife to smear a little bit on the top of each cupcake.

Bam! You’re done. They are bitter, rich, sweet, light, fluffy, creamy, complex, boozy, and all-around unfair.

Rummy Bears

This is embarrassingly simple, but I can’t not share it. If you like gummy bears, and you like fun, this is a great recipe.

Ingredients:

1 bag of gummy bears

1 cup clear rum (not spiced! For the love of God, not spiced.)

Instructions:

Put all the gummy bears into a large bowl or Tupperware. The less they are touching each other, the better, but the vessel must be deep enough where the sides are higher than the bears. Pour in the rum and swish all the bears around a little bit. Now, listen closely: put them in the fridge for AT LEAST two days. Yes, this is a make-ahead recipe. Any less than two days, and the rum will not absorb adequately.

After AT LEAST two days, take the bears out, and behold! They will have swollen to twice their original size, and they will have lost their tough chewiness and softened to a Jell-O consistency, making them perfect for scooping up with a spoon or a shotglass and dumping into your mouth.

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