Greased Lightning

Let’s talk about lube!

If I were stranded on a desert island with an attractive man, my top 5 required items would be:

1) Fig Newtons

2) The complete works of William Shakespeare

3) A crossbow

4) Burt’s Bee’s chapstick

5) Lub. Ri. Cation.

Not necessarily in that order.
Also, if there’s no attractive man, replace #5 with a life-size cardboard cutout of Johnny Depp. We’ll manage.
Anyway, my boyfriend and I recently had the privilege of sampling a bunch of different kinds of lube so that I could review their effectiveness for my waiting readers! And so we could bust some nuts, obviously. And just so you know, this may sound like a pretty plush life – “Ohhh,” you probably think to yourself, “That was probably SOOO stressful for you, God forbid you should have to bone your attractive boyfriend multiple times for the sake of research, what a SACRIFICE that must have been.” And I would respond that you have no idea. After the sixth or seventh experiment, I am pretty sure that if he saw another unfamiliar packet of slimy substance making a beeline for his dick, he was going to shove it down my throat. (The packet, not his dick. But possibly that as well.)
Anyway, on to the test results!
pink-lubricant-oil
Pink: Personal Lubricant for Women
Base: Silicone.
Claim to fame: Contains vitamin E and aloe vera, hypoallergenic.
Texture: Very, very silky, almost like there’s nothing there at all, but slightly slippery and greasy. Quite thin and liquidy, almost the viscosity of water. Difficult to apply because it drips everywhere.
Smell: Nonexistent.
Performance: Lasted quite long; in fact, actually seemed to work better the longer we fucked. Kept things slick and moist from the very beginning.
Boyfriend input: “This made the skin on my penis really, really soft… and also kind of greasy. Like when I got in the shower, the water just sort of beaded on it. It was a little bit gross.”
Overall rating: 7.

ky silk e

KY: Silk-E personal lubricant

Base: Water.

Claim to fame: Contains Vitamin E and aloe vera.

Texture: Thick, like pancake syrup. Fairly easy to pour and apply.

Smell: The boyfriend detects a slight chemical smell, but he could detect a fart from the moon.

Performance: Long-lasting. Doesn’t necessarily dry out but does tend to get gluey over a prolonged fuck. Works well to moisturize area and reduce post-sex soreness.

Boyfriend input: “Effective and long-lasting. A little goes a long way and it’s easy to clean off.”
Overall rating: 8.

wet synergy

Wet: Synergy basic – cool tingle hybrid lubricant
Base: Water.
Claim to fame: Produces a cooling sensation via the addition of peppermint.
Texture: Extremely thick, almost like Elmer’s glue. Which is not something I normally desire up in my pussy.
Smell: Minty freshness. Not overwhelming, actually kind of nice. Like someone poured a mojito into your junk.
Performance: Lasted long enough, lubricated well. The “cooling tingle” was less a tingle and more of a burning prickle. Not necessarily a draw for me.
Boyfriend input: “That was a disturbing experience.”
Overall rating: 5.

sliquid

Sliquid Silver
Base: Silicone.
Claim to fame: Vegan ingredients, all of the company’s products are designed “by women, for women.”
Texture: Thin, very slippery. Doesn’t grease the fingers or skin.
Smell: Distinct chemical smell.
Performance: For me, it absorbed into the skin way too quickly (though my partner had a different experience). Nice moisturizing quality but ineffective for intercourse.
Boyfriend input: “I really didn’t like it. It was so slick and greasy it actually inhibited feeling, like I was wearing a condom.”
Overall rating: 4.

wet gellee

Wet: Jelly Lubricant
Base: Water.
Claim to Fame: Hypoallergenic, non-staining, odorless, gentle on skin.
Texture: As the name suggests, very thick and wobbly, like Jell-O. Spreads easily enough without dripping all over the place.
Smell: None whatsoever.
Performance: Kept things slick for a very long time, and provided a nice cooling sensation that relieved the friction far better than the actual advertised “cooling” gel.
Boyfriend input: “This is just lube. Nothing special about it, but did a great job.”
Overall rating: 9.
gunoil
Gun Oil H2O
Base: Water
Claim to Fame: Marketed towards men, without a question. The website features men in military face paint with their shirts off, toting large, phallic weaponry. Claims to “launch your rocket higher than ever.”
Texture: Much thinner than most of the water-based lubes. Just barely thick enough that it doesn’t drip everywhere.
Smell: None.
Performance: Not my favorite. It didn’t leave things grotesquely dry, but there was a certain stickiness to it, almost a “squeaky”quality like someone buffing a floor with wax.
Boyfriend input: “I’m already manly as fuck, so I don’t need this patronization.”
Overall rating: 6
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And the winner is…. Wet Gellee! With one stipulation: Do not ever, EVER try their flavored products. They taste like a raspberry is hate-fucking you in the mouth. If Wet products aren’t available to you, KY Silk-E is a great runner-up. Just don’t go near the Sliquid products, and it seems like you’ll fare all right. Happy boning!
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