A Lady’s Guide to Being a Penis Detective

How often have you wished you could tell a man’s penis size without ever seeing it?

Let the ancient Hindus teach you.

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You may have heard of a book called the Kama Sutra. Written somewhere around the 4th century BCE by a Hindu philosopher named Vatsyayana, the Kama Sutra is oft quoted in trashy women’s magazines in articles entitled “8 Sex Positions for Her Pleasure!” or “Try This Crazy Kama Sutra Trick – He’ll Flip!” These articles are written by imbeciles with questionable literacy, let alone grasp of ancient Hindu literature. You may be surprised to learn that the Kama Sutra, which translates to “Lessons in Love,” is far from just a book full of dirty pictures. It was considered the Bible of sexual behavior, relationships, and courting throughout India for much of the medieval period, and is still regarded as basic, useful information today by millions of Indians.

The Kama Sutra contains many sections about various topics, including what a bachelor’s apartment should look and smell like, how to properly seduce a virgin, how the first (or second, or third) wife should behave in the presence of the others, how to cheat on your spouse, and how long to keep your dick in a jar full of bees so that it may become bigger. (Yes, I’m serious.)

Therein are also the fun parts – sexual positions, yes, but also positions for just hugging and kissing. Not to mention biting and scratching techniques (!!!) and how to give fellatio. Unfortunately, cunnilingus is strictly banned by the Kama Sutra, so that is why we are quoting selectively here today. Although it does allow that if your husband is too lazy or is not pleasing you, you may fuck him violently up the ass with a dildo until he gets the message. So we have that going for us.

The text of the Kama Sutra has hidden within its fruitful depths the secret to Penis Detection. According to Vatsyayana, there are three kinds of men. Ranked from smallest to largest, they are: the hare, the bull, and the stallion. Isn’t that cute? In the text, the three types of penises are measured in “fingers,” which is supremely unhelpful in today’s terms, but one can deduce that a hare is anything under four inches, a bull is between four and eight inches, and a stallion is eight inches and above. Conveniently, Vatsy also gives us some little hints to tell who is who. *Ahem.*

“The hare man has small feet, figure, buttocks, hands, and ears, a gentle voice, beautiful and well-space teeth, a lively body. Always with a smile, his face is round and his nails hard.”

“The bull has a thick neck, an impressive bearing, red palms, an assured air, clean skin, a nice round stomach.”

“The stallion man has elongated ears, head and lips, a thin body, thick hair, long fingers, a luminous look, heavy thighs. He is fast and has beautiful nails.”

-Danielou, Alain. The Complete Kama Sutra. Park Street Press, Rochester, VT. 1994.

I find these generalizations to be almost inscrutably accurate. Obviously, amendments must be made. If you get a bull’s skin dirty, his penis is of course not going to change size. But these are usually pretty spot-on. Let’s look as some examples, shall we? (Safe for work. Don’t freak out.)

Stallion: Joe Manganiello

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According to Wikipedia, Joe Manganiello is a towering 6’5″, much of which comes from his long, muscular thighs. (Ding!) Those luscious locks and lips are a dead giveaway, and the kicker is those long fingers. And look at those nails. What nice nails he has! Oh, yes, ladies. I’m guessing we’re staring at least eight inches dead in the face right here.

Bull: Tom Hanks

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Tom Hanks is a classic bull. He’s shorter (5’9″), but not as spritely as the hare. I admit I’ve never noticed the hue of his palms, but that solid neck and slightly fuller stomach absolutely scream “bull”. Bulls make up a large portion of the male population, and Mr. Hanks is no exception.

Hare: Justin Bieber

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I think we probably all could have called this one. With his pixie-ish body, perfect white teeth and, yes, his sultry singing voice, Bieber can be nothing but hare all the way. Selena, you did the right thing. You’re better than the three inches Bieber is likely toting around with him like a small Pomeranian or a designer clutch.

Lesbians, don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten you. The Kama Sutra includes information about vagina size, which is helpful for straight girls if you know your mate’s penis size, but is also fun if you prefer smaller pussies, or bigger pussies, or whatever your cup of tea is. There are three kinds of women to match the three kinds of men:

“The doe woman has beautiful hair, a thin body, golden skin; her organ is as cold as the ray of the moon. She has strong teeth, a low voice, abundant hair, and a lymphatic temperament. She eats little, her face is narrow, her sexual secretions are scented. She never cries out.”

“The mare has wide, strong nostrils, is slightly knock-kneed, has thick thighs, and her sexual organ is always hot. She has tender fat arms on which drops of sweat appear; her body is of a clear color, her sexual secretions smell of meat, her limbs are regular, her belly small. She is of bilious temperament.”

“The cow elephant is tall. She has a massive body, often has long teeth, and her skin is reddish in color.”

Doe: Natalie Portman

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Natalie Portman is the very embodiment of doehood. Her gorgeous curls, narrow face and perfect teeth, even her downright golden skin – it’s all there. So now you know that Natalie Portman has a teeny tiny little vagina and isn’t a screamer.

Mare: Kim Kardashian

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Kim K. is such a mare. I wouldn’t necessarily say she has “fat” arms, but she has that soft, womanly curve to her body, along with that strong, decisive nose and tiny waist (when not incubating a human being).

Cow Elephant: Jane Lynch

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This sounds like I am being intentionally unflattering to the lovely Jane Lynch, but Vatsyayana wasn’t taking a crack at elephant women. All women are beautiful, regardless of vagina size! Lynch’s tall figure and long teeth certainly fit the description.

So now you can put this information to use! If you think you fit the description of a doe, Vatsyayana is very clear – you should seek out hares to sleep with. Your small opening doesn’t require anything bigger than four or five inches, and the hares will have a much harder time pleasuring a cow elephant than a doe. Plus, if you go around trying to bang stallions, you’re apt to hurt yourself. Mares and bulls are the lucky ones, you might say. They are made for each other, but can stretch to either end of the spectrum if need be. If you want to get down to some really freaky shit with dildos the size of eggplants, perhaps a cow elephant would be your best bet. Useful, no? So now you know more than you ever wanted to know about the sexual organs of those surrounding you! Now your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to test this out on your next hookup and report back to me.

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3 comments

  1. Sitting in a cafe creepily giggling to myself – thanks.

    1. I consider my duty fulfilled.

  2. V Sparrow · · Reply

    I’ve been trying to use these tactics of identification for years. But you know what I been met with on each occasion? Surprising failure!

    Perhaps these tricks only work on Middle Eastern men, I have no idea. Maybe the many hundreds of years of hare-bull-stallion interbreeding have washed away the clear signs. Maybe I’m just not doing it right!

    But… It’s such a good feeling to have a date you could have sworn was a hare pull a stallion out of his pants. Then there’s that awkward moment of, “Where do you think you are going to put THAT?!”

    And the women? A woman’s vagina has as much personality as her face. Some ladies have matching vaginas, but in general we are all different. I work around naked women all the time, so I see a lot of pussy. I would say that there are types and styles (makes and models?), and that 3 categories hardly begins to describe it!

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