Many of you are probably aware of what it feels like to be pressured to do something in bed.
It happens even in loving, caring relationships. You’re there in the heat of passion with your man, and he really wants to do something that just doesn’t set your loins aflame. “Come on,” he wheedles. “Please, baby? For me?”
“No,” you say, “I don’t feel ready for that yet.”
“But I promise I’ll be gentle! It won’t hurt at all, I swear. Your butthole won’t even leak, I’m positive.”
“That’s nice of you, but I really don’t want to.”
“Awww, don’t be such a prude,” he teases slyly. “All my other girlfriends have tried it. They loved it. You’ll get to love it too. Come on, just this once.”
That’s because guys do these things all the time. They coerce, they manipulate, they beg. All in the name of sticking their dick somewhere you don’t want it to go. I’m not saying 100% of men are consciousless rapists who will just take whatever they want, whenever they want it. Most of the time they don’t mean anything by it. They may not even know they’re pressuring you or making you uncomfortable.
So that means you have to LET them know. It’s not okay to guilt someone into doing things in bed, and if they are old enough to be in bed in the first place, they are old enough to know better. There’s a big difference between having a two-sided conversation about spicing things up in the bedroom versus pushing someone into doing things your way, and it is high time they learned the difference. The former is a healthy part of any relationship, in which there are occasional compromises and lots of communication. The latter can lead to relationships in which the male is sexually and socially dominant over the female against her will, and it becomes a twisted power struggle, not a partnership. If he goes so far in his quest for butthole pleasure that he actually makes to physically turn you over, you know something has gone seriously awry in the relationship. If he thinks his desires are so much more important than yours that he can achieve them through threats, bribery and physical force, he has another thing coming, and it is hopefully your knee in the direction of his nutsack.
Another issue is that this struggle can go both ways. That’s right, ladies – I’m actually gonna go out on a limb here and say men aren’t the only ones who need to be aware of pressuring their mate in the bedroom. Just because you might be somewhat less equipped to physically control him doesn’t mean that you can’t wield mental weapons that can do a lot of damage. Sometimes we don’t realize we’re being pushy, because how can a girl be overly controlling during sex, right? Well, the notion that it can’t happen is bullhockey. BULLHOCKEY, I SAY!
If you really want to explore something that your boyfriend/husband/pool boy is hesitant about, don’t assume that because you’re the female in the relationship and therefore are often less vulnerable to accusations of sexism, you have free reign to bully him about it. Examples of bullying include the following: giving the cold shoulder, questioning his manhood, making empty threats of decreased sexual activity, hacking his facebook page and changing his status to “I’m a little bitch.” You have every right to make requests of him. If he’s not pleasing you, feel free to take steps to fix that. You deserve pleasure just as much as he does – it’s merely inappropriate to be inflexible about it.
Instead, try sitting down with him (you can stand if you really want to, I guess) and making some kindly suggestions. Propose whatever it is you feel is lacking in your sex life and see how he reacts. If he expresses reluctance, ask what about it turns him off, then proceed from there. Maybe it’s something that can be worked through, but sometimes it’s best to just let him know you’re interested and allow him to think it over instead of pestering him about it. For instance:
You: “You know, I get really turned on by your ass. Would you let me spank you next time we bone?”
Him: “Well, I used to have this old English teacher back in Catholic school who would bend me over his knee and beat me with a cane whenever I spoke out of turn. So I really have an aversion to the whole spanking thing.”
You: “Wow, that sounds awful. Well, I have a much gentler touch, so keep it in mind, and thanks for listening.”
Bam. Done. You’ve expressed your desire in honest and loving terms. He’s expressed his hesitance to comply. You’ve clarified that your interest hasn’t faded, but that you care about his feelings too much to force him into anything by hiding his anti-anxiety medicine until he agrees to drop trou and expose his naked flank to you. In short: yes, it is possible for sexual pressure to go both ways. And it is unacceptable either way. So defend yourself against it, and don’t be the perp yourself.