Foreskin and Seven Years Ago

That’s right. Today’s post is about uncircumcised dicks.

Women are so afraid of foreskin. It is the wrinkly nightmare that waits under our beds like some sort of fleshy boogeyman. Merely hearing that a potential lay is uncircumcised can evoke dramatic gagging sounds and eyes widened in fear. “Hell no,” we gush emphatically, “I can’t DO foreskin.”

"If I wanted a mouthful of loose penis flesh, i'd go to KFC."

“If I wanted a mouthful of penis flesh, i’d go to KFC.”

It probably has a lot to do with what we’re used to. The majority of men living in Western nations are circumcised. Any one woman may not encounter a foreskin until well into adulthood, when the mere sight of it is enough to send her into catatonia. And as for porn, which accounts for many of the penises we might see, the even vaster vajority of penises are circumcised. It’s rather like eating Indian food as a white person; you’ve grown up eating pork chops and pop tarts, so as soon as you are confronted by a chana masala, the flavor is going to be off-putting. It takes some time to get used to.

"Can I get some Wonderbread with this? It tastes too much."

“Can I get some Wonderbread? This tastes too much.”

But the fact is that we all need to get over our abhorrence of foreskin. Just imagine going out to a bar one night – no, make it an art museum. You go out to the art museum with some friends and you lock eyes with a stranger across a bust of Pliny the Elder. He’s tall, brunette, wears glasses when he reads or studies busts, knows how to dress. You chat about your favorite yoga asanas over expensive lattes at the museum cafe, then exchange phone numbers. You can’t stop thinking about him all night, and your heart is pounding all the next day waiting for him to call. He takes you out the next night for drinks and you gaze deeply into each other’s eyes for three hours. He’s perfect; puts BBQ sauce on his eggs just like you do, has three Border Collies named after famous British poets, and gives you his jacket when you get chilly.

He doesn't even say anything when you let out a fart you thought would be silent but ends up making a high-pitched squeal like a tea kettle.

He doesn’t even say anything when you let out a fart you thought would be silent but ends up making a high-pitched squeal like a tea kettle.

You go back to his place and get cozy on the couch, and you can’t wait for him to study your bust, if you get my meaning. The two of you are making out like a couple of teenagers, his hand on the back of your neck, your bodies entwined. He shudders as you tantalizingly slip your hand down his pants to caress his engorged, throbbing HOLY HELL WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT DOWN THERE?!

Are you really going to leave? Tell him you can’t see him any longer? Choke back a dry heave at the sight of his flesh-ensconced cock? Come on. This is the guy of your dreams. He has a PhD in Social Work and his bathroom smells like tangerines. Surely you’re not going to let this all slip away because of a little foreskin?! Come. Take my hand, and I will guide you through this unknown territory.

Many women seem to be under the impression that foreskin is dirty. And certainly, foreskin can become dirty if it is not washed properly. But so can a circumcised penis. If this guy is at all interested in personal hygiene, which I know is a trait I personally prioritize in a mate, then he is cleaning his foreskin thoroughly. Yes, at the end of  a July rugby game it is going to have a slight odor to it, but no more than any other dick. Foreskin is really no more difficult to wash than a vagina, and we have no trouble doing that. There’s no reason to worry. A responsible foreskin owner is doing daily maintenance to keep that sucker clean and fresh.

Another concern is how to treat the thing during sexual activity, especially oral. Here is the number one most important thing you need to know about an uncircumcised penis: The foreskin itself is not the most sensitive part of the penis. In fact, the foreskin has far fewer nerves than the head or shaft of the penis, serving as a kind of protective barrier. Therefore, pleasuring the guy is going to necessitate the pushing back of the foreskin to expose the head and shaft of the penis.

banana

If you’ve never seen an uncircumcised penis before, I sure as hell am not going to post a photo of one here, so do yourself a solid and Google that shit. If you are at work right now or don’t feel emotionally ready to do such a search, imagine the following: a normal penis that is sitting in a skin sheath with an opening at the head. I know that just sounded like something out of Silence of the Lambs, but bear with me. This skin sheath is soft and very flexible. It can withstand far more tugging and pulling than the actual penis. I’m not saying you should bite it or anything. What I’m trying to say is that you can manipulate the foreskin to get at the penis itself without worrying about hurting him. Simply hold the penis in your hand and push the foreskin down toward his body. It’s the same motion you would use to put a condom on him. The foreskin will conveniently move downward, allowing the head of the penis to rise gloriously from the ashes.

lipstick

Now you can perform oral activities upon the part of the penis that is actually sensitive. Be very gentle though; I find that uncircumcised men tend to be more sensitive to careless oral activity than their circumcised brethren. Too much pressure or roughness could hurt him. If you’re just pleasuring him manually, it really is no different from an ordinary handjob. Simply move the foreskin up and down, grasping firmly but gently so as to stimulate the shaft of the penis. You can also use a finger to (softly!) stimulate the head of the penis while you do this.

As for sexual intercourse, you are basically off the hook. There is nothing you need to do differently. It will not feel different from a circumcised dick, I promise. He will probably pull back the foreskin slightly before entering you, and then you are off to the races. It’s as simple as that.

I promise that you can have a completely painless experience with an uncircumcised man. Knowing your way around a foreskin may come in handy someday, so get comfortable with it now. Uncircumcised men are out there, and many of them are totally bangable.

Think of it this way: if nothing else, it’s an extra 1/4 inch of girth.

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