Food is my Boyfriend

I happen to be a vegetarian. Thus, none of the recipes I post will ever have meat in them. If tearing into a freshly slaughtered carcass is your cup of tea, you may be reading the wrong blog. However, if you are the kind of person who is interested in hearty, protein-filled, delicious vegetarian meals, look no further!

These are two of my favorite dishes to whip up when I’m hungry and a salad isn’t going to cut it. Enjoy!

General Tso’s Tofu

I suppose you could make this with chicken if you wanted to. See? I’m all about giving you options. Whether you choose to go tofu or not, this tastes pretty much exactly like any General Tso’s that you would order from your neighborhood Chinese restaurant. For an extra authentic experience, I highly recommend serving it over rice and fumbling with chopsticks for ten minutes before giving up and asking for a fork. This recipe will serve 4 very hungry people.

Ingredients:

2 Tablespoons Cornstarch, Divided

1/4 cups Cold Water

Dash of pineapple juice

2 cloves Garlic, Sliced

1 teaspoons ginger (or 1/2 tsp powdered ginger)

2 Tablespoons Light Brown Sugar

1 Tablespoons Soy Sauce

1 whole Egg White

Salt and pepper

1 block of extra-firm Tofu, chopped into bite-sized pieces

Broccoli

1 Tablespoon Canola Oil

Instructions:

In a large bowl, stir together ½ T of the cornstarch, the cold water and the pineapple juice until smooth. The juice is just for that delightful tangy sweetness, so you can leave it out all together if you like, or you can add a shit ton of it, keeping in mind that it will thin the sauce a bit. It’s quite important not to add too much cornstarch or the sauce will take on a nightmarish jizz-like texture, so add a little bit, then a little more if needed. Add the minced garlic, the ginger, the brown sugar, and the soy sauce. Got all that? Good. Stir it all up and set it aside.

In another bowl, whisk together the egg white, the remaining cornstarch, and as much salt and pepper as you feel is necessary. Add the chopped tofu tofu, and toss it gently to coat it with the mixture. This will provide it with a nice crispy exterior. Slice the broccoli into florets and set aside.

In a large nonstick skillet, heat the vegetable oil over medium-high heat. Lift half the tofu from the egg white mixture, letting the excess egg mixture drip off, and add it to the skillet. Let it cook, tossing it occasionally, until it could be poetically described as “golden-brown,” then transfer it to a plate. Repeat with the other half of the tofu.

Add the soy mixture to the skillet, then add the broccoli. Cover the skillet and cook until the broccoli is tender and the sauce has thickened, about 3 to 5 minutes. Return the tofu to the skillet and toss to coat it with the sauce. And you’re done! Now all you need is a fortune cookie that in no way tells your fortune and most likely makes a disparaging comment about your personality.

Vegetarian Chili

I make this chili way more often than is probably healthy. It is super filling and goes amazingly well with cornbread. I have made this using whatever beans I could unearth dusty cans of from my basement, so it is versatile enough for broke-ass college students and frazzled mothers everywhere. The ingredients I’ve listed will give you a fairly unremarkable spice level. If you are passionate about third-degree tongue burns, you can up the spice. Warning: this recipe makes enough for a small elementary school.

Ingredients:

4 cans of varying types of beans. I usually use black beans, kidney, pinto, and chickpeas.

2 cans of mixed veggies. You could, of course, use fresh veggies, but this is not the Cordon Fucking Bleu.

2 Tablespoons canola oil

2 cloves garlic, minced

2 Tablespoons chili powder

1/2 tsp red pepper flakes, if you are a glutton for punishment and the chili powder is not enough for you.

1 bottle amber ale (or whatever beer you had left in the fridge after your house party last night)

1 small can tomato paste

1 Tablespoon brown sugar

salt and pepper to taste

Heat the oil in a large stock pot. Add the vegetables and garlic to the pot and cook for two to three minutes. Add the spices, and cook another minute. Now pour the beer into the pot and let it all come to a simmer. Add the tomato paste, all of the beans, and the spices. Let it come to a boil ( this should take about 10 minutes) and then let it cook for 25 minutes. Close to the end of cooking time, stir in the brown sugar. Serve that bitch with cornbread or biscuits.

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