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Sometimes (not all the time… but sometimes) I like to revel in the fact that I’m a lady. During those times, I put colorful substances on my person and flounce about. And you can, too. Here are some of my favorite things to smear on myself when I am waiting for my prince to come calling:
1) New York Color Nail Polish
I am not a big nail-painter. I use my hands a lot. For many things. I am not saying that most women don’t use their hands. I just do a lot more dumbbell-flinging and dough-kneading than some folks. Sometimes simultaneously. I am a little bit like a ninja that way.
But sometimes, I get to feelin’ fancy, and that’s when I bust out this nail polish. I like it for several reasons. The first is the brush shape. A lot of nail polish brushes are rounded, so if you look at the brush tip straight on, it would be a perfect circle. This isn’t particularly conducive to getting the polish on there evenly. It blobs up and drips and generally makes a scene. These brushes, on the other hand, are slightly flattened. You wouldn’t even believe how evenly the polish goes on. It’s sort of thin, so you may need several coats, but if you really want long wear out of your polish you should do a couple coats anyway. It is oxymoronic in that it takes forever to chip, yet wipes right off with a little remover. Cuh-razy. I also like all the colors they have, because I adore bright-ass colors. Maybe even bright ass colors. Oh, and it dries super fast, which is great if you tend to forget you just painted your nails and decide to have a nice long, satisfying nipple-scratch.
2) Almay Line-Smoothing Concealer
My skin used to suck really badly. Pretty much every day for my entire high school career, I woke up looking like I had enjoyed a nice crystal meth cocktail the night before and had been scratching at invisible bugs. Nowadays, thanks to the wonders of birth control and my gracious exit from puberty, my hormones have calmed the fuck down, but we all have those days (at least, I think we all do) when we don’t sleep well and have nasty dark eye circles, or a blotch starts lurking around looking like it might become a zit, or we just get a weird gross skin issue that needs to go away, like, now. Enter this concealer. It’s not foundation. It’s not intended for you to slather it all over your face. It’s for small skin issues, which categorize 95% of the skin issues you will ever have from the age of 17 onward. It comes in this wee tube, making it exceedingly convenient to keep in one’s giant bag of doom. (What, you don’t have one of those?) I get it at my local drugstore.
I especially am fond of this little guy because it comes in a shade pale enough for me, a.k.a. your friendly neighborhood albino. My skin is so incredibly pale you can see all my veins and some of my organs, kind of like one of those deep-sea fish that never see the light of day and navigate via forehead lamp. They make a shade pale enough for me! The formula is incredibly light. This is going to sound implausible, but I swear this stuff actually CURES zits. Every time I feel one coming on, I wash the area with soap and then dab on a little of this stuff and EVERY TIME, I wake up in the morning and the thing is gone. No joke. Maybe it’ll work for you too!
3) Bad Gal Mascara
As big a non-makeup wearer as I am, when I do reach for mascara, I reach for this. The brush is huge, so you can do your whole lash in one swipe, which is a bonus if you’re disabled when it comes to makeup like I am. And the clumping is minimal. I think I got it from Sephora. Not much else to say, really.
4) Playtex Cardboard Applicator Tampons
OK, hear me out. I love plastic tampon applicators. They slide in like a dream. The cardboard ones sometimes feel like they are fighting to get back out, as though you are trying to put a baby weasel up there instead of a hunk of cotton. But you really should give just the teensiest smidgen of consideration to trying to cardboard ones. It’s better for the environment, and they are cheaper. When I am holding out for cardboard, I use these babies. Other than the applicator, they are the tampon of your dreams in every way, and will serve you well, I promise. Give it a shot if you love America.