Dear friends, Romans, countrywomen:
KNOCK IT OFF.
I am so sick of reading blogs, websites, Pinterest, Facebook, etc. because what is the one thing they have in common? I’ll take “women lying to themselves about what they are putting into their mouths” for 500, Alex. It is so very, very tragic and also makes me want to punch faces. I have included several prime examples of offenses that are perpetrated every day right in front of my very eyes.
1) “Baked doughnuts”
You listen to me, sugartits. IF IT IS BAKED, IT IS NOT A FUCKING DOUGHNUT. Proof? You want proof? I’ll give you proof. It is right in the very definition of the word:
That’s right, FRIED. Not baked in these vehicles of untruth also known as doughnut pans. It’s fine if you want to pour some batter into a doughnut pan and bake it and eat it. It’s probably delicious, even. But call it what it is: a goddamn round muffin. It’s a muffin and you know it. Stop pretending that because it has a hole in the middle, it is a doughnut. You are a dirty liar and I am going to someone else’s house for breakfast.
I have been known to visit a Starbucks every once in a blue moon. I am actually a pretty big fan of their holiday concoctions. I have nothing against Starbucks in principle. What I do have a problem with is girls going in every morning and ordering their venti mocha latte with three extra syrup shots and whipped cream, and then complaining that their diet is going poorly.
*Picks up megaphone* OF COURSE IT IS. YOU ARE CONSUMING 800 CALORIES WORTH OF COFFEE EVERY DAY.
If I am going to have me a pumpkin spice latte, I will calorie-restrict all day to prep for that shit. (Unless I’m gonna have the skinny variety, but let’s face it, I have no desire to drink hot sewer water.) Why? Because – shocker alert – it is horrible for you. Not to mention your wallet. So stick with the black coffee, or quit your bitching and whining.
3) “One-ingredient ice cream”
A banana does not = ice cream.
I don’t care that it’s cold. So are ice cubes, but they are not dessert.
I don’t care that you mashed it up all creamy-like. I could get the same consistency by going down on your mom.
I don’t care that you put sprinkles on it. Now you’re just putting lipstick on a pig.
A banana will never be ice cream, no matter how many falsehoods you tell yourself and others. I am not going to eat a pint of bananas and watch Sleepless in Seattle after I break up with my boyfriend. I am not going to top my slice of apple pie with bananas. I am not going to put bananas in root beer and call it a fucking float. So let it go.
You know what’s completely vegan? FRENCH FRIES. Just because you are on a vegan diet does not mean you’re suddenly going to drop forty pounds and be able to arm wrestle Mike Tyson. Vegan does not automatically mean healthy. Vegans have to be careful about every single thing they eat, and select their meals thoughtfully, or else they could risk not getting enough protein, iron, B vitamins, or a million other things. Living off of popcorn and Coke Zero may be “vegan,” but it’s not a diet, and it’s not good for you.
5) “The Three-Day Diet”
Variations of this crock of shit have been going around for years now. The premise is that if you follow this very strict meal plan they set down for you for three days, you will lose ten pounds. There are so many problems with this I can’t even. First of all, most Three-Day Diets are dangerously low in calories. Like eating disorder territory. Obviously you are going to lose weight if you’re starving yourself, but you’re also going to lose muscle mass and probably have some internal problems as well. And they recommend doing this for a month. A MONTH?! You’ve got to be kidding me. Weight loss takes time. Muscle building takes time. Any diet that you can finish in three days is not a good diet. It’s not something you can stick to. Be patient, my children. You can lose weight and get healthier, and you don’t have to live off of cottage cheese and “small apples.” Because if you go for that big apple, you’ll clearly bloat to the size of a pregnant manatee.
“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” – Michael Pollan