Num nums

Guys, this is really serious.

It’s essential.

It’s dire.

It’s dessert.

These are the recipes I keep hidden in the back of the recipe binder, lest I be tempted to break them out every single week. The kind that have nary an egg replacer or a cup of applesauce in sight. The kind that will take a nosedive straight to your hips and make you love every second of it.

Without further ado:

Coconut Macaroons

I used to hate coconut. It was a texture thing. But I got the fuck over it for the sake of these cookies. They are indescribable. Their buttery, crispy exteriors shatter to reveal a fluffy yet chewy interior full of shards of sweet coconut. OK, so I just described them. Get off my back.


5 large egg white

2/3 cup granulated sugar

1 10-oz bag sweetened coconut flakes

1/4 tsp vanilla extract

pinch of salt

In a saucepan, combine the egg whites, sugar and coconut flakes and cook over medium-low heat, stirring frequently until all the ingredients combine together, about 12-15 minutes. The mixture should be sticky and moist, not dry. For the first few minutes you will cry and wail and tear your hair out with worry that you are making a coconut omelette, but fear not. As long as the heat is no higher than medium, you’re solid. Remove the mixture from the heat and stir in the vanilla extract. Set the whole thing aside on a dish and let it cool in the refrigerator about 30 minutes.

Preheat the oven to 300°F. Usually cookies are 350, but these aren’t cookies. These are angel turds. Using a tablespoon, scoop tightly packed tablespoonfuls onto a baking sheet covered with parchment paper.

Bake for 27-30 minutes or until golden.

Makes 38 cookies.

Pineapple Upside Down Cake

This cake is like a blowjob for your mouth. Which would be really weird. Anyway, who doesn’t love pineapple? It is just so tart and sweet and refreshingly tropical. And combining it with enough sugar and butter to drown a Buick is what makes this cake so fantastic. P.s. – the cake base is a really good standby for a basic, moist yellow cake.


1 stick of butter (they always say unsalted, but I always use salted and never see a difference.)

2 cups flour

2 cup granulated sugar

4 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoons salt

¼ cups cold water

¼ cup pineapple juice

6 whole large eggs

1/2 cup brown sugar

2 cans Pineapple rings

Preheat oven to 375ºF. Combine the following in medium bowl: flour, granulated sugar, baking powder, salt, cold water, juice and eggs. Melt the butter in the microwave and pour it into a 9×13 cake pan. Sprinkle brown sugar over the butter. Lay the pineapple rings over the brown sugar. (I sometimes halve the recipe and use a small, round cake pan like normal people.)

Next, carefully pour the batter into the pan. Place in the oven and bake for 35 minutes, or until an inserted toothpick comes out clean. Make sure to check it about 25 minutes in to make sure it’s not overbaked.

Once fully baked, remove from the oven and let rest for a couple minutes. Invert the cake onto a serving plate. Or don’t – I sometimes just slice it right in the pan. It’s a challenge to try and guess where the rings are so I don’t slice through them. I don’t have a lot in my life.

Fudgy Brownies

I know I said there would be no applesauce. But listen up: I have tried this recipe using all oil, and it was DRY. And CRUMBLY. Two things that brownies should not fucking be. But every time I have used applesauce, they have come out moist as a used jockstrap and perfectly chocolatey. So don’t think of the applesauce as a compromise. I beg of you.


4 ounces unsweetened baking chocolate

1/2 cup canola oil

1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce

1-½ cup all-purpose flour

2 cups granulated sugar

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

2 whole eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1 tsp instant coffee (optional. but totally not optional.)

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F and grease up a 9×13 glass baking dish like it’s a hog at a rodeo.

Chop the chocolate into chunks and add it along with the oil to a small sauce pan heated over low heat. Stir often until all the chocolate is melted. Then, remove from the heat and let it cool slightly. You can also do this in the microwave. I won’t tell anyone.

Sift together the flour, sugar, baking powder, coffee and salt and set this aside. Then whisk together the eggs and the vanilla. Pour the cooled melted chocolate/shortening into the eggs. Stir until combined and then pour it into the dry ingredients. Mix well.

Pour the batter mixture into the baking dish, spread out evenly and bake it for 25 minutes or until a fork comes out clean.


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