A Lady’s Guide to Being Fancy Fresh

I’ve briefly touched upon the subject of men’s versus women’s products when I waxed rhapsodic about lady-part shaving a few weeks ago. I felt it deserved a more in-depth post, since this is, in my opinion, one of the most outrageous conspiracies of our society. This conspiracy is as follows: Personal products that are geared toward women seem to focus far more on looks, smell, marketing, and packaging than on actual function, while personal products for men actually get the job done and often are a better value. It’s as though companies think that women are too stupid to know what is a good buy, and that we’ll be attracted to shitty products as long as they glitter and are modeled by a cute girl.

The proof is in the pushup.

The proof is in the pushup.

And really, they’re only following the pattern of sexism that has dominated consumerism all throughout history: men wear boots because they’re comfy and durable, women wear heels because they make us taller. Men wear chapstick so their lips don’t get chapped, women wear lipstick to give our lips color. The opinion that looks are all that matter about women parallels the notion that looks are all that matter about women’s products. And it. Is. Bullshit. That’s why I’m going to let you in on my favorite “men’s” products and why I like to use them.

Side note: I am not in cahoots with any of these companies in any way. They are not giving me any money. They have no idea I even exist. I am just a fan of their offerings and am passing on this knowledge as a mere suggestion.

First of all, let’s talk moisturizer. I get very, very dry skin in the winter. The kind of dry that makes my hands look like they belong to an 80-year-old woman with severe eczema. Who also has been dead for several thousand years. I need serious moisturizer or I start bleeding all over everything I touch. But I hate those heavy, greasy ones that make you feel like you dunked yourself in a vat of frosting right after you showered. Most of the “women’s” lotions that I’ve tried have been serious offenders. Sure, they come in cute pink squirt bottles (because everyone knows that pink is for girls) and they make you smell like peaches, but they help about as much as a Tylenol helps gonorrhea. Enter: Lubriderm 3-in-1.

Lubriderm Mens Lotion

Don’t you love how it says “MEN’S” right on it, as though it will self-destruct if a woman picks it up? Well no matter, because this shit is the nectar of the gods. It works like a charm to moisturize skin that previously looked like a shoddily executed plaster job. Not only that, but it is light as a fucking feather. I can slather it all over my legs, then crank out another blob and smear it right on my face. Never once has it made me greasy or caused one of those awkward post-adolescent breakouts that make you want to tear the face off the next model you see and wear it over your own. It comes in this huge gray bottle that looks like something you might find in a Swiss bank safe. You can’t  fit it in your purse.But that’s okay, because one application and you’re good and supple for the day! No reapplication necessary. One bottle will last you years, and it never gets all dry and crusty. I’m basically dating this lotion.

Next up is deodorant. Fun Fact: I sweat a LOT at the gym. Think East German women’s track team kind of sweating. For the love of God, I need deodorant. And I preferably use a combination deodorant and antiperspirant. Women’s deodorants just don’t cut it for me when I’m very active. They have cute names like “secret protection” and scents like “ocean mist,” but they are essentially candle wax molded into a cylinder and sold at ridiculously inflated prices. Dove can suck a bag of dicks, because I’ve found a better deodorant.

degree

This is my secret weapon. Its antiperspirant power is remarkable. Even during my most hardcore workouts, it keeps my stankness to a minimum. It’s one of those crank ones, where you twist a little wheel at the bottom every time you use it and it pushes out just a little bit of the product. I didn’t like it at first because I thought it was trying to tell me how much deodorant I should need, but once I realized that it won’t get dirty if I drop it, I came around. And notice: Again, we have boring gray packaging. It’s like Degree almost doesn’t want you to find their awesome deodorant if your eyes are trained to look for purple butterflies when you’re shopping. That’s why you have to be savvy. Look for the men’s stuff, and I promise your awkward sweating days are over. Plus, it has very little smell. I like this because if you enjoy smelling like pie then you probably already wear perfume, and if you don’t want to smell like anything, slapping this deodorant on won’t interfere with your olfactory neutrality.

Finally, I’d like to mention these razors again. I had said that I like Gillette, which is true, but right now I’m actually using Schick Xtreme.

schick_Xtreme3

They give such a closer shave than women’s razors. I think Venus and all those sons of bitches are so focused on padding their razors with slimy razor skeet that they can’t be buggered to actually make their blades sharp. Schick’s razors are pretty dang good at giving you a smooth shave while not irritating your skin. They also last forever. A package of 8 is like, ten bucks, depending on where you shop, and one razor lasts me about a week and a half.

So hey, ladies. I’m not telling you what to buy. If you want to keep smearing sugary confections all over yourself, I really don’t give a shit. I’m just putting this out there so that if you’re interested in function over fashion, you’ll know where to go. What are your favorite man-geared products?

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