Red, the Blood of Angry Women

I find myself disturbed and saddened when my female friends are menstruating. No, not because they become heinous bitches. How dare you suggest such a thing. They are delicate flowers at all times. It’s because they think that they can’t get any while their lady parts are all bloody. Their complaints usually fall into one of two categories:

1)      Their significant other doesn’t like it

Or

2)      Their significant other doesn’t mind, but they feel embarrassed anyway.

This is a serious problemo that we need to address.

If your partner is not down with period sex, it is probably because he thinks that he’s going to pull out his dick and the bed will look like the horse head scene from The Godfather.

NOOOO!

NOOOO!

He thinks there will be blood everywhere, and his dick will look like he murdered someone with it. And if you are on your “heavy-flow day,” then I suppose it’s entirely possible. Most of our periods reach a certain peak where the flow is at its most appalling. I concede that it is probably not a good idea to have sex on that day. But after that day has passed, the danger is over. Even after a good long roll in the hay, his dick will probably come out of you looking squeaky clean.

Maybe you can’t wait that long. Maybe it is your heaviest day, but you are hornier than a priest at an Eagle Scout ceremony, and you need to get your freak on, bedsheets be damned. You have my blessing to do so, and here’s why: His dick, graphic though this is about to sound, is going to function as a cork while you are fucking. Yeah, his junk is probably going to get covered in blood, but at least you won’t leak out onto the bed while he’s inside you. Then the trick is just to pop up right away afterward, clean yourself up in the bathroom and put in a tampon or pad posthaste. And as for him, he’s going to need to learn to suck it up. Being covered in blood is considered an auspicious condition in many societies that I just made up. It’s really not the end of the world as we know it. Just keep a roll of paper towels next to the bed so he can wipe himself off right away. Bam, it’s like it never happened.

Also known as the Female Post-Coital Sanctuary.

Ahhh, the bathroom. Also known as the Female Post-Coital Sanctuary.

This is going to sound daring, but (lesbians, this is where you come in) I am also of the belief that you can even engage in oral sex while one or both participants are on the rag, as long as you are tampon users and not pad users. Before sex, simply go to the bathroom and take out your old tampon and put in a nice fresh one. Then go about cleaning up the area as best you can, just in case your pussy is not at its tidiest. If you can, a shower is the best way to go about this. You don’t need to go in there with a fucking pipe cleaner and scrub or anything like that. Just lather up with some soap or some Vag Buffer that the Home Shopping Network sold you for the low, low price of $19.99 plus shipping and handling.

Must be 18 or older to call.

Must be 18 or older to call.

Make sure there isn’t any dried blood or nasty stuff. (This is always a nice courtesy before anyone puts their mouth down there, but is especially pertinent when menstruation is involved.) If you can’t take a shower, just grab a cloth or even a damp paper towel and give your pussy a wipe down. The goal is to make sure that you smell and look the way you do when you’re not on your period. Then your partner can dine in comfort, the only inconvenience being the task of keeping the tampon string out of the way.

If your partner is A-O-fine with having some menstrual-time loving, and you are just uncomfortable with it, then that’s the way you feel, and I can’t tell you to feel differently. I just want to be clear that there is no reason to be squeamish about it as long as everything is clean. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed about your body’s natural babymaking capabilities. You are a healthy, fertile woman! You bleed because you the master of all that is reproduction! There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Embrace your weeping womb with love and acceptance. Amen.

I hope this has been fun and educational for us all, and that I have in some way increased the amount of sex being had in the world. That is, after all, my ultimate goal in life.

fertility

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