Sex on a Plate

I dunno about y’all, but I get tired of eating the same old thing. You’re trying to be healthy, but you haven’t taken complete leave of your senses; you still want dessert, right? But you’re sick of always resorting to a chemical-laden Hundred Calorie Pack that tastes dustier than Madonna’s snatch. That is why I’m throwing out a couple of my favorite dessert-type recipes that are a good compromise. They aren’t health food. They’re fucking dessert. But they won’t make you feel like you just choked down an entire gazelle, anaconda-style.

Carrot Halwa

This Indian-style pudding takes a bit of time to throw together, but it’s well worth it if you like your desserts a little bit kinky. It’s not low-calorie, but it is CHOCK THE FUCK FULL of vitamins and minerals, and it’s rich enough to feel like you’re not punishing yourself.


1 2/3 cups grated carrots
2 cups coconut milk
¼ cup water
½ teaspoon ground cardamom (optional; some people aren’t cardamom fans. You could also throw in some ginger or jasmine if your pantry is full of ingredients that sound like stripper names.)
½ cup granulated sugar
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
¼ teaspoon cinnamon

Heat the coconut milk and water in a pot, stirring whenever the mood strikes. When bubbles start to form on the surface, stir in the grated carrots and the cardamom. Bring to a boil and then reduce the heat to low. Stir every few minutes until the milk evaporates, about 45 minutes to an hour. Turn on Sister Wives or something to keep yourself occupied while you wait for your pot of creamy deliciousness to finish.

After an hour or so, add in the sugar, butter and cinnamon and turn the heat back up to high. Stirring constantly, allow the mixture to boil until the liquid evaporates and you have a soft mush.

Scoop into bowls. If you really want to get fancy, top it with a little bit of ice cream. Die of sheer joy.

Pumpkin Oatmeal Cookies

One of these babies will only run you about 85 calories if you use stevia. Don’t be a bitch about the oatmeal. Getting to love oatmeal cookies if you don’t already will serve you well in life. I know pumpkin season is basically over, but due to the magic of modern science you can find the canned stuff in the grocery store all year long.


2 cups flour

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp cinnamon

½ tsp salt

½ cup vegetable oil (or butter)

½ cup applesauce

1 cup sugar (or ½ cup sugar and ½ cup stevia)

1 can pumpkin puree (NOT pumpkin pie filling)

1 egg (or ¼ cup egg replacer voodoo)

1 tsp vanilla

2 cups instant oats

Chocolate chips (I use dark. And I use a whole bag o dem bitches. But you can do whatever you want, man.)

Preheat to 350. (If ever a cookie recipe tells you otherwise, be very suspicious.) Mix all the ingredients together. (Don’t you guys love these helpful tutorials?) Plop onto a greased cookie sheet. They don’t spread very much, so feel free to pack them on there. Bake for 12 minutes. This recipe makes about 40, so you might want to halve it. Unless you are averse to half-empty cans of pumpkin puree sitting around in your fridge for weeks on end. So really what I’m saying is, just make a whole recipe. You’ll thank me later.


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