On Putting Sharp Objects Near Your Babymaker

There comes a time in every woman’s life when she has to decide whether or not to deal with her pubic hair. Many of us already shave our bikini lines or at least trim (although there is nothing wrong with not doing so), but some of us go the extra mile and take it all off, down to the last hair. Some women like to shave. Others like to wax. Still others like to pluck (we’re speaking strictly of masochists at this point). I think that shaving is probably the most popular way to get rid of unwanted pubic hair. Pussy shaving is a much-debated topic in the female world, at least in my experience. “Should I shave my pussy?” we wonder. “How often should I shave it? What should I use to shave it with? How can I shave it without the bathroom looking like the shower scene from Psycho?” Well, friends, you’ve come to the right place. Soon you will be no more terrified of shaving your vag than you are of Nicki Minaj.

Mmmmmmbad example.

Mmmmmmbad example.

There are several reasons one might consider shaving one’s lady parts. The most obvious reason is the inevitable reaction of one’s sexual partners. Now, some guys really dig a little bit of foliage down there. But a lot of guys really don’t dig it at all. “So you’re telling me I should take a razor to my clam just because some GUY doesn’t like my hair?” you sneer. “What kind of feminist are you?” I see your argument, and I raise you one of my own: Nobody likes hair in their food. If you’re not at all interested in receiving cunnilingus from a male associate, then by all means, let the jungle grow. But if you’re expecting your gentleman friend to be doing any muff diving, I feel he is well within his rights to request that you remove the hair. You like it when he manscapes so that no long, curly, coarse hairs get caught in the back of your throat, correct? He has every right to enjoy the same privilege. And if you’re more into the ladies, you probably know how uncomfortable it is to go down on a lady who has been letting her bush get out of hand. Do her a favor and mow that lawn.

Now that you’ve decided to go bare down there, you’re concerned about the wellbeing of your vagina, and for good reason. A badly shaved pussy is like a badly carved rump roast: not a pretty sight to behold, and not at all welcome on the dinner table. But there’s no reason to cry and wail and gnash your teeth. You can do it. I have complete and utter faith in your razor-wielding abilities.

You've been taking your meds, right?

You’ve been taking your meds, right?

First, you’ll need a razor. And let me clarify: you’ll need a good, sharp, accurate razor – a.k.a. a MEN’S RAZOR. The fallacy that women’s razors are exclusively for women and men’s razors are exclusively for men is complete hootenanny. A woman can easily use a man’s razor. Not only will it cost you less, but you will also get a more accurate shave. I highly recommend Gillette.

Next, you will need to be naked and in the shower. Done? Good. Okay, now you’ll need something to soothe the area. Shaving cream is the obvious choice, but conditioner also works fabulously to soften the hair and moisturize the skin. Squirt a little conditioner into your hand, and proceed to rub it all over the area you’re about to shave. Don’t worry if it gets all up in your pussy. It won’t hurt you, and you’re gonna rinse it all out at the end anyway.

Now comes the part that will make you feel like a Rockette: lift one leg up so that you can plant your foot firmly against the wall of the shower. Your knee should be no lower than your hips, or you won’t have clear access. Whichever leg you’ve lifted, that’s the side you’re gonna start on. Place whichever hand is not holding the razor on your inner thigh and pull the flesh away from the center of your body, so that the skin of your outer labia is stretched out. You don’t want to be shaving your vag while it’s all folded and soft like vaginas are wont to be. You need the skin stretched tight, or else the razor could get caught. (I just winced writing that.)

Shave the outer labia just like you would shave your leg or any other part of your body, always going with the grain of the hair, or at least perpendicular to it, NEVER directly against it. Going directly against the grain can result in some razor burn that will make you look like you gang-banged a hornet’s nest.

I'll let that visual sink in for a sec.

I’ll let that visual sink in for a sec.

Sooner or later you will come to the realization that your vagina ain’t the only place down there with hair. And you’ll have to make that volcanic decision: To shave your anus or not to shave your anus? Really, it’s up to you. But here is my input: if your sexual partner is kinky enough to be eating out your asshole, a.k.a. the only situation in which this hair will ever be distinctly visible, he or she is probably not bothered by a couple of hairs down there. So unless you have a mirror handy and really want to practice your contortionist skills, I suggest you leave it alone. ‘ TAINT worth it, if you get my meaning.

Once all the hair is gone, make sure you rinse all the conditioner or shaving cream out of you. If you don’t, it’ll ooze out later and leave a trail of sweet-smelling goop down your leg, as though you just fucked a banana cream pie. (Which would probably be  a welcome change, after all those hornets.) Et voila – you’ve completed the onerous task of shaving your undercarriage! Now be a lady about it: rinse your razor and rinse out the shower. Especially if you are using a shower at college, at a gymnasium, at a friend’s house, etc. Nobody likes to get in the shower and be greeted by a pile of dark, curly hairs. Just thinking about it puts me right off my feed. But rinsing only takes a sec, and as long as you didn’t shave your pet gorilla while you were at it, the drain should not experience any clogging.

Seriously, you have a very twisted relationship with the animal kingdom.

Seriously, you have a very twisted relationship with the animal kingdom.

That’s it! You’re all done, and your thunder down under is as smooth as can be. Now that you’ve done this, you’ll want to continue to shave it at least once a week, probably more like every 3 days, even if you don’t show it off to anybody in all its glory. That’s because if you let it go too long, it will basically destroy the razor in one fell swoop next time you go to shave it. No bueno.

Enjoy your newfound hairlessness!

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