Breakfast for Champions

We all know how important breakfast is. After all, that notion has been beaten into our skulls from birth by the Breakfast Nazis.



Whether or not you believe that breakfast is an important part of a balanced diet, let’s get one thing straight: breakfast foods are gods among foods. They are vehicles to our mouths for maple syrup and butter, and that is a beautiful thing.

Everyone gets bored of the requisite pancakes and waffles, though. So I’ve decided to share a few of my most favoritest breakfast recipes that don’t require dousing in a pool of high fructose corn syrup to be interesting. After all, tomorrow is Christmas, and the grueling present-opening sesh you’re about to engage in is going to require some serious fuel. So without further ado:

Applesauce Spice Muffins

These muffins are damn hearty, yet unlike most mass-produced grocery store muffins, they don’t contain the same number of calories as an entire tiramisu. They’re not the most attractive-looking concoctions, but I believe that baked goods are like women: if they are beautiful on the outside, but lacking in taste, no one is gonna want to eat them. These shits certainly do not fit that description. They are fluffy, lightly sweet, and perfect with a cup of coffee.


3/4 cups sugar (or 1/2 cup stevia, 1/4 cup sugar)

1/4 cup dark brown sugar

1 stick butter, softened

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla extract

2 cups whole wheat or all-purpose flour

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp baking soda

3 tsp baking powder

1 tsp cinnamon

1 cup unsweetened applesauce

First, preheat your damn oven to 350. Or else. Mix all ingredients thoroughly. It might be best if you sift the dry and then add the wet, but it really is not the end of the world if you don’t feel like dirtying another bowl. Life is short. I get it. Anyway, pour that good shit into some Pam-ed up muffin tins and bake them for 13 minutes. This recipe makes exactly 15, which is a little bit of a pain in the ass. Worth it.

Spinach Mushroom Quiche

This stuff can be customized in any number of ways: use artichokes! Make your own pie crust! Make them individual-sized! Put them on your head! Freedom is yours.

1 store-bought pie crust (don’t be ashamed)

1 package portabello mushrooms (can be omitted if you hate mushrooms)

1 bag baby spinach (can be omitted if you are a dick and also hate spinach)

7 eggs

A couple ounces of grated parmesan cheese. It really depends on how much you love parmesan.

A couple ounces of grated pepper jack cheese. It really depends on how much you love pepper jack.

1 1/2 cups milk (preferably whole)

Salt and pepper, motherfucker

Olive oil

First, preheat to 400. If your oven is like mine and sets off the deafening smoke alarm every time you heat it to over 375, preheat to 375. Put a dash of olive oil in a big ol’ skillet and add the mushrooms. Add some salt and pepper and stir ’em around until they’re all brown, then remove them from the pan. Add another dash of oil and add the spinach, plus some more salt and pepper. Stir it till it’s nice and wilted. Now remove that from the pan, too.

In a bowl, mix the eggs and milk together with a whisk. You’ll want the yolks to be all nice and broken up. It should have an even, creamy consistency. Add a little salt and pepper, and mix in the grated cheese. Mmmm, cheese. Dump the thoroughly cooled veggies into the egg mixture and swirl it around.

Press the pie crust into a well-greased pie pan. Preferably a quiche pan, but if your life goal isn’t to be Martha Stewart, a regular pie pan is just fine. Then just pour the egg mixture into the crust. Cover the whole thing was some tinfoil and bake it for one hour. That’s right, 60 MINUTES. NOT 59. Kidding. You should check it at 50 minutes to make sure it isn’t aflame or anything. Donezo!

Blueberry Baked Oatmeal

If you want a breakfast that is both heart-healthy and filling as fuck, look no further. And hey – if you still have that maple syrup jones, feel free to pour some over top of this fruity baked oatmeal. I did it once. And I never looked back.

2 cups oats

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp salt

1 tsp nutmeg

1/2 tsp cinnamon

2 1/2 cups blueberries (or strawberries, or raspberries, or dingleberries)

1 cup whole milk

1 cup plain greek yogurt

2 eggs

1/4 cup brown sugar

Preheat your oven to 350. Spray nonstick spray on a 8×8 baking dish, or you could even use some muffin tins. Mix all the ingredient together in no particular order. Be creative. (But not too creative.) Pour the mixture into the pan and cover it with foil. Bake it for 20 minutes, then remove foil, and bake it for another 25 minutes.


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