Who Taylor Swift Sleeps With is None of Your Business

Taylor Swift has become almost as controversial a musician as Justin Bieber – it seems everyone either wishes her burned alive at the stake, or wants to be physically bonded with her atoms. There is no middle ground.

TaylorSwift_071645

I personally think that each and every one of her songs is the auditory equivalent of having your face gnawed off by rabid, angry sewer rats. But here is the difference between me and a lot of other people: Just because I hate her music does not mean I wish her bodily harm.

Certain women seem to have this unnatural bloodlust for Taylor Swift, and it has less to do with her music than with her relationship status. First she stole the heart of Joe Jonas of the Jonas Brothers. Then it was Taylor Lautner whose soul she devoured. John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Patrick Schwartzenegger and Conor Kennedy all fell pray to her feminine wiles. Now she has Harry Styles, a singer in popular boy band Wand Erection, under her pretty little thumb.

mrskim

Admittedly, this sounds like a formidable list of failed relationships, considering her spritely young age. And the Internet, at least its female ranks, wants you to know how inappropriate that is. For instance, an article in Business Insider examines Swift’s “vast array” of boyfriends and hints at her proclivity for inserting them into angsty song lyrics.

http://www.businessinsider.com/timeline-of-taylor-swifts-relationships-2012-12

Similar articles in Cinema Blend and The Frisky hint at accusations that there must be something wrong with her, not the men she dates, because she’s gone through “so many.”

http://www.thefrisky.com/2012-12-11/why-taylor-swift-sucks-at-relationships-and-what-you-can-learn-from-her/

http://www.cinemablend.com/pop/Why-Has-Taylor-Swift-Had-So-Many-Relationships-48569.html

By the sound of it, Swift does nothing but lounge around in her skivvies in public, pumping her hips lasciviously at random passersby and moaning through red-stained lips. A substantial number of female-authored blogs and Facebooks seem to agree. The general consensus is that she has gone through too many men, too quickly, and what’s more, has used them for her “artistic” purposes, rather than for meaningful love. “She’s a  SLUT!” the female race screams accusingly, beating at their breasts.

Ahh, the infamous S-word. It gets tossed around in reference to particular females every now and then, usually by other females. When a man, especially a straight man, calls a woman a slut, it is often not meant in malice. It may mean a girl who is not “girlfriend material,” but sure is a good no-strings-attached lay. But when a girl calls another girl a slut, as many of my acquaintances (and, I’m sure, yours) have done to Ms. Swift, it is never positive. It denotes immorality, baseness, possibly even the existence of extra holes so she can take more dicks at once.

recorder

It ain’t a compliment, at any rate. So why is slut-shaming almost exclusively a girl-on-girl crime? It stems back to evolutionary quandaries. There is sexual jealousy and competition among girls because we have wombs. Even those of us who are as far removed from pregnancy as possible are, in some way, genetically programmed to feel this way due to thousands of years of our ancestors’ behavior. (Note: not actual science. Just my bullshit theory I made up five minutes ago.) Here’s the situation:

mike-the-situation

We are female. Men get us pregnant. Babies happen. The babies are attached to us in ways both psychological and, for a while, physiological. We incubate them in our uteruses. (Uteri?) We give birth to them. We feed them milk from our bodies. The babies, without us, are as good as dead, historically speaking. We are stuck with them. And ideally, we want their fathers to stick around and help us out. If said fathers are off gallivanting with another women, perhaps younger and prettier ones with blonde bangs, we and our children are at a severe disadvantage. We resent these Other Women for upsetting the stability of our family units. So really, being averse to promiscuous behavior in other females, as a female, is only natural. Whereas if a man’s baby mama decides to go hang around with another dude, it’s hardly a big deal. now the other guy has to take care of the baby for a few. Time for Flaming Hot Cheetos and masturbating.

Hopefully not in that order.

Hopefully not in that order.

Now, let me put this out there: one could make a valid argument that being a slut is not necessarily a good thing. It may indicate a lack of prefrontal cortex development, and thus an inhibition of decision-making skills. It can lead to miscommunication and hurt feelings. It can be a factor in the spread of disease. But it is still wrong to castigate women for how many people they’ve slept with, and I’ll give you one reason why: It’s none of your business. We aren’t Neanderthals. We aren’t competing for healthy sperm in the same way our ancestors were thousands of years ago.

Not enough for you? Fine, I’ll give you an even more feminism-y reason:  Slut-shaming is a practice that excludes the castigation of men for the very same crime. Guys never really have to worry about being slut-shamed. This also can be explained by anthropology: A fertile guy is a hero of the human race. His swimmers are torch carriers for all humankind, and the more women he can impregnate, the better chances we have of continuing to dominate the food chain.

If you believe that sleeping with lots of people is wrong, and you want the world to know it, no one can stop you. But at least be an equal opportunity offender. Why do people talk constantly about how Taylor Swift can’t keep her legs closed to celebrity guys, but Mick Jagger becomes MORE sexy when it comes out that he makes Wilt Chamberlain look like Mother Teresa? The inconsistency is what makes it so sexist and nonsensical.

So let’s all roll the fuck up off of Swifty. She is a young woman. It is her prerogative to date a few people. Also, presumably none of the men she’s dated have gotten you pregnant. Unless you once sat down on a men’s toilet at the Teen Choice Awards. Then all bets are off.

You wish.

You wish.

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