A Lady’s Guide to Saying, “Screw the Gym Today.”

As previously established, I like to work out on the reg. It gives me both a feeling of confidence and a healthy, strong receptacle in which to dump pasta.

Don't you fucking judge me.

Don’t you fucking judge me.

I usually attend a gym, but oftentimes, life gets in the way of my daily gym visit. There are various reasons why leaving the house to exercise is occasionally too much to ask. Sometimes I am low on time. Sometimes it is negative thirty degrees out. Sometimes I realize I have a three-week leg beard growing and none of my long workout pants are clean.

In these situations I turn to the wonderful wide world of the internet. There are about a million workout videos on youtube geared toward women, so I won’t attempt to create a comprehensive guide. Instead, I’d just like to sing the praises of my favorite channel, popsugartvfit, also known as the Fitsugar channel. Fitsugar is a website, but they post their workout videos on youtube for us all to enjoy.

Their workouts are only ten minutes long each, so if you are really rushed, you can just pick one and bang it out right quick. After all, it is better to work out for only ten minutes a day than to not work out at all. Every little bit matters. If you have the time, you can compile six or seven of them into a playlist for a longer workout. What’s great is that there are videos that concentrate just on one body part, and there are videos that try to hit them all, so you have plenty of variety before you, like walking into an orphanage.

Uhhh, yeah... I was kind of hoping for a blonde.

Uhhh, yeah… I was kind of hoping for a blonde.

These videos incorporate a variety of different skill levels. The trainer is always in front, doing the most challenging level. Then Fitsugar’s host, Zelena, and a “Fitsugar reader” often do a modified or less difficult version of the move. For a fun extracurricular, keep your eyes on the Fitsugar reader, who usually has no idea what she’s doing. You will see some of the most hilariously uncomfortable facial expressions.

Ohhh... wee lamb.

Ohhh… wee lamb.

They feature several different trainers who lead the workouts. My favorite is Andrea Orbeck, who supposedly trains Heidi Klum, although I am suspicious of that claim because if that were true, I don’t understand how she has any free time to make these videos. But I digress. I like Andrea because she doesn’t bullshit around. She gets straight to the workout and knows how to keep you motivated. Some of the other trainers aren’t as confident, but that leads to even more entertaining videos. I can’t help but giggle when the trainer and Zelena start competing for attention. It’s like watching two monkeys fight over a peanut.

Another thing I like about Fitsugar is that they avoid talk of sexiness. You know what I’m saying. None of this “your shoulders are gonna look so hot in a tank top after this workout,” or “guys are gonna love your toned butt.” They really manage to focus on health-related benefits, rather than appearance-related benefits. They focus on posture, joint health, and cardio as well as lowering your body fat percentage. Instead of crowing that, “This workout will really perk up that butt,” they say, “This workout will really strengthen the glutes.” And I do think there’s a difference there. The closest they come to mentioning the opinions of other people is their “Bridal Workout.” Even then, Andrea says something like, “Working the outer thighs is great for the honeymoon,” which to my understanding means that she just wants us to be able to fuck like wild stallions. We should want to feel better as well as look better. I don’t just want toned arms. I want to be able to smash lesser mortals into a fine powder.

Pictured: lesser mortals.

Pictured: lesser mortals.

So that’s what I do on days when I can’t be buggered to get my ass out the door. What other fitness videos do you guys use? And don’t say Jillian Michaels because that lady scares me.

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2 comments

  1. I love love love the way you write, too funny. And yes, we should be thoughtful in the way we talk about health and fitness, it should be more about us than about the opinion of others. Awesome observations!!

  2. Thanks! The approval of other ladyfolk is important to me.

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