The Talk

Warning: If you are a member of the clergy or my immediate family, I STRONGLY ADVISE YOU NOT TO READ ON.

Let’s look at a few pictures of puppies while they get on their way, shall we?

Awwwww.

Awwwww.

So cute!

So cute!

Muffin.

Muffin.

Now that they’re gone, it’s time we had The Talk.

The Talk about anal sex.

Now that at least half of you have run screaming from the room, hands over your ears and smoke pouring from your tear ducts, let me address those of you brave enough to stay.

It’s no secret that the prospect of anal unduly excites most guys. Eyes widen, hands flap akimbo, drool flings from open jaws. What is it about our quivering buttholes that thrills them so? Years of research have not yielded that answer. But I can guide you through the whole ordeal nurturingly, like a mother bird unceremoniously throwing her babies off the top branch of a tree and hoping they spread their wings.

Shit.

Shit.

First of all, any sexual activity is a big deal. It is a thing you hopefully do with someone you love and/or trust and/or have at least shared a Grand Slam with at a Denny’s one time. Anal is no different, and arguably more so. It is something that (and I beg you, correct me if I’m wrong here) a girl is likely to do for a guy as a favor. I’ve met very few women who actually got a real kick out of anal, and there are various reasons for that, the main one being that the number of nerves in his penis far outnumber the nerves inside our asses. So women are often very hesitant to do it, assuming it will be horrifically painful and all their insides will fall right out their poo hole afterward. Allow me to explain the actual procedure so we can all accept anal sex for what it really is – a nice way to make your boyfriend/husband/local congressman happy, and often quite a decent time.

First, make sure the two of you are in a comfortable position. (If there are more than two of you, well, that’s outside the scope of this post.) When we think of anal, we think of porn stars getting rammed from behind while in “doggy-style.” As a far more comfy alternative, I recommend a spooning position – both of you lying on your sides, with him behind you.

Excuse me while I go and delete my browser history.

Excuse me while I go and delete my browser history.

This will give you one or both hands free to touch him, touch yourself, read People magazine, etc.

Now you are going to need lubricant. Notice I did not say “you are probably going to need lubricant.” This is a cold, hard fact. There aren’t any little glands secreting lovely lady juices up there like there are in your vag, and it is going to be slow going if you aren’t good and slicked up. A whole bottle of KY isn’t necessary, but make sure his dick is nice and shiny before you attempt any cavorting whatsoever. You should also put a little bit of lubricant on your finger and, you know, get in there. This will not only grease you up good and proper, but will help relax and loosen the area before shit gets real.

Okay, so now he has his penis in you. And it probably hurts just a tiny bit. But for my readers who are trying this right this very second, you’ll notice that nothing is falling out of place, including your intestines. Your innards, your skin and the lining of your anus are all staying very tightly put. That is what they were designed to do. You’ll also notice that it is not so much pain you feel as it is a sort of uncomfortable fullness, rather like your bottom has eaten too much Thanksgiving dinner.

Who's hungry?!

Who’s hungry?!

It’s okay. It’s not going to explode. If you feel ready, asking him to stimulate your clitoris can be helpful to get you nice and relaxed. Plus, it’s the least the bastard can do.

Awww, and look how much he’s loving this, right? He’s all KINDS of moaning, and he’s got a little twitch in his right eyelid –

oface

Okay, so that’s actually kind of disturbing. But on the bright side, no need to look him in the eye. What there IS a need for, however, is some good healthy communication! Chances are good that he has never been fucked in the ass before. He has no idea what it feels like, and he can’t be expected to read your mind. So if something’s on your mind, spit it out! Appropriate comments include:

-“That hurts. Can you go a little slower?”

-“That hurts. Let’s do something else.”

-“That feels nice. Keep going.”

-“You owe me for this.”

Remember, he can’t help you unless you help yourself, so there’s really no such thing as being too open. Assholes are like snowflakes; no two are exactly alike. So he needs to know exactly how to treat yours.

So he’s finished. He pulls out (slowly, of course) and finds A HUGE SHIT RIGHT ON THE TIP OF HIS COCK.

No, just kidding. That wouldn’t happen, because it’s easy to avoid – just don’t have anal when you have to drop a serious loaf, and there will be zero fecal matter involved, I promise. If all it took was a little poke to get turds tumbling out of you willy-nilly, we’d all constantly be shitting our pants. That’s why we have sphincters, also known as the muscles we clench when politics are mentioned at family dinners.

Finally, for the love of Christ, I am by no means suggesting that every woman should be waiting with her cheeks spread for her man to get home, ready to take it in the ass at the drop of a hat. You should not even entertain the idea unless you feel prepared. He should also be extremely appreciative of the freakin’ awesome ladyfriend he has acquired. But there is no need to become terrified over the declining elasticity of your poop chute. Nor is there cause to lie tossing and turning, plagued by nightmares about rectal tearing and all sorts of other medical-ish terminology. I have utter faith that, should you wish to conquer anal, you are well within your power to do so. Go forth, my friends, and buttfuck like you mean it.

turtles

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